I guess it has been a while.
Sometimes I think about things to blog about. But then I never do it. Or then I think about the topic and think, "that's too depressing," or, "that's too happy," or, "who cares about that?"
I don't want to come across as anything less or more than what I am. I'm not depressed, I'm not super happy, and sometimes I think about things that probably don't matter. But that's me. So I can be allowed to write about whatever I want to.
Some things I've started to write about but never finished:
1. One of my favorite scripture stories is in 1 Nephi chapter 17 in the Book of Mormon. God leads Nephi's family into the middle of nowhere and has them do a bunch of things that they would never even dream of doing before or being able to do. Like in this chapter, God tells Nephi to build a boat so his family can go across the ocean to South America.
Seems pretty crazy. And I'm sure Nephi thought so too. God shows him how to build it, where to get the stuff for the tools and materials. And then Nephi has to start. He had everything he needs because God has been providing except for one little thing. FIRE. He doesn't have fire!! He never needed it! God was his light in the darkness, his warmth, made his meat sweet so they didn't have to cook.... So He explaining that for 5 verses, and Nephi says, "I rubbed two rocks together." He made fire. And I'm sure it was a pretty difficult task for him, considering that he spent 5 verses talking about it. He wouldn't have mentioned it if it were easy to come by.
Sometimes I feel like that. I feel like I can easily make really BIG changes in my life because God gives me very specific answers. Move here, work here, study this, go here, meet this person, don't do that. I can handle the really big changes pretty well because I have faith that God knows way better than me.
But then sometimes he leaves me up to my own devices, and I'm halfway through something that He led me to and I realize that I don't have something simple, like fire. I never needed it.
I'm missing fire in my life right now. I've got everything else except the fire. I guess it's time to rub two rocks together.
2. Sometimes people suck. Or they make you feel like you suck.
I'm one of the coolest people I know. Some days it is really apparent to me why I'm so awesome. But some days I have to remind myself why I am. And you know what? The people I tend to associate with lately make me rethink why I'm awesome all the time. And that sucks!
Who wants to constantly have to prove to other people that you have redeeming qualities? That your opinions are sound and that you're smart and funny? Who would like to stand around in a group and have to brag about yourself to make yourself feel good or liked??
More and more I find myself keeping quiet. I hate braggers. I don't want to be one. I know why I'm awesome, but I don't need to list all the reasons for these people just so they can like me.
3. I really want to go to Paris.
4. My ex-best friend got engaged and didn't tell me. I'm scared to death that it's because he hates me or his fiance hates me. I can't think of a single reason why they would. It haunts my dreams, makes me sad, distracts me at work, makes me sick, and makes me so angry.
I feel like this whole experience has caused me to distance myself from other friends that I have.
I wish I could just move on and be happy and forget about this. And I'm sure one day I will. But it hurts so much NOW.
5. I really have the best family in the world. I think I hang out with them too much.
Is there such thing as too much??
I just love them all.
Those would have been great blog topics, right?
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A letter
Dear Mindy of January 2011,
Wow. You are in for quite a lot of change.
It's so weird to think of where I was at this time last year. Where you are at.
Well, you worried about a lot of things this time last year. Mostly your preceptorship.
Don't.
Sure, you don't get the time or location you really wanted. But it turns out perfect for you. Your nurse is amazing; someone you can really emulate, you have great learning experiences, and you really miss it when it is over. You get so excited to be a nurse.
School, on the other hand, is quite long and pointless at times. It's hard. You know that. Between the sleep deprivation and the pointless assignments and projects, you are so ready to graduate. But enjoy every moment. Love your classmates. You'll miss them when you don't get to talk to them everyday. Love the time you get with Cyann and Annalie, even when it's time doing pointless projects.
Start researching for your news hour presentation a few weeks early. You don't want to get a B+. That will be the difference between a 3.9 and 4.0 GPA.
Have fun with your amazing roommates. (How did you get so lucky??) Play, laugh, go on adventures, make time to cuddle. Give Brittni all the money you have so she doesn't have to get a second job.
You are so happy for the first months of 2011. Happiest time you can remember in a long time. You even dye your hair every other second. (Don't try the blonde. It really is terrible...)
Graduation really comes. It seems like something so distant but it comes quickly. Have fun. Take a million photos. Thank your family for coming. And Dan. It really means so much. Thank Sarah for the present she gets you. (You're going to LOVE it!!)
After graduation comes some hard and sad times. Devastating and life altering times. Don't even think about them now. I don't even want to mention it. But remember to hold close to the friends you have. Don't shut them out. Don't destroy any part of your friendships. You need them. And you'll sabotage any friendships you hope to make if you forget how important it is to just BE a good friend.
Don't stress too much about the NCLEX or finding a job. Stress a little; it helps you study and apply for jobs. But not so much that you're depressed. Not so much that you cry and yell at everyone and freak out about the future.
Study hard. Get a blessing from dad before your test. It really calms you. And it isn't too bad. (You.... Pass!) But even though I told you that, Study!!
Enjoy summer in Cedar. It is so beautiful and wonderful. You have fun camping adventures, boating excursions, and you even get a bit tan! :)
Go to the beach. I went as a desperate escape from life and a reminder that there is world beyond Utah. But YOU should go to have fun with your best friends. Go to party at Sea World and to get sand up in all your crevices. Haha... Oh man, we're funny.
Find ways to be happy even when you don't feel like it. Play video games and board games with Lily. Make delicious dinners at Cyann's. Play with Brittni every night (since she can because you gave her all your money). Have an amazing Christmas in July! Best day ever!
Apply for jobs. Everywhere and anywhere. Take time every day to search. Take Tylenol BEFORE you start looking. (Job searching headaches are terrible.)
You will finally get a job. Maybe not as soon as you wanted to, but pretty quickly when compared with other places. Training isn't fun. But listen.
Tell your manager than you CAN'T train on August 11th or 12th. So you can can go to Quin's wedding, Kris's wedding, and meet your new nephew. She'll be okay without you for those two days. Save yourself the tears. (Sorry to give away specifics, but this is important.)
You will love your job. At first you think it's the death of you and that you should just quit because it's making you miserable. But it really is a great fit for you. And one day, when you talk to your nursing friends, you will be the only one who really loves their job! How lucky!
Love your new apartment and ward. You love it so much at first, but keep loving it. Try really hard to talk to everyone and remember their names! You suck at the name thing. But don't let it intimidate you into never learning. Visit teach. Go to activities when you can.
Visit Brittni. And Annalie. Call Cyann every week. Sometimes you forget, but get with it!! Visit Lynsie and Chelsey. Have a Halloween party. Dress up.
Start listening to Christmas music in October. You never get sick of it this year, for some reason. Have a great holiday season. Try to be happy. Things are looking up for us.
Don't trade so many shifts that you work 6 days in a row the week of Christmas. You may be thinking,'"duh!!" but don't do it.
Let the sad things of 2011 go. Don't let them ruin any second of 2012. They're done. They are memories now. In the past.
Remember the happy times. Look forward to happy times.
Hope this helps,
Mindy of January 2012
Wow. You are in for quite a lot of change.
It's so weird to think of where I was at this time last year. Where you are at.
Well, you worried about a lot of things this time last year. Mostly your preceptorship.
Don't.
Sure, you don't get the time or location you really wanted. But it turns out perfect for you. Your nurse is amazing; someone you can really emulate, you have great learning experiences, and you really miss it when it is over. You get so excited to be a nurse.
School, on the other hand, is quite long and pointless at times. It's hard. You know that. Between the sleep deprivation and the pointless assignments and projects, you are so ready to graduate. But enjoy every moment. Love your classmates. You'll miss them when you don't get to talk to them everyday. Love the time you get with Cyann and Annalie, even when it's time doing pointless projects.
Start researching for your news hour presentation a few weeks early. You don't want to get a B+. That will be the difference between a 3.9 and 4.0 GPA.
Have fun with your amazing roommates. (How did you get so lucky??) Play, laugh, go on adventures, make time to cuddle. Give Brittni all the money you have so she doesn't have to get a second job.
You are so happy for the first months of 2011. Happiest time you can remember in a long time. You even dye your hair every other second. (Don't try the blonde. It really is terrible...)
Graduation really comes. It seems like something so distant but it comes quickly. Have fun. Take a million photos. Thank your family for coming. And Dan. It really means so much. Thank Sarah for the present she gets you. (You're going to LOVE it!!)
After graduation comes some hard and sad times. Devastating and life altering times. Don't even think about them now. I don't even want to mention it. But remember to hold close to the friends you have. Don't shut them out. Don't destroy any part of your friendships. You need them. And you'll sabotage any friendships you hope to make if you forget how important it is to just BE a good friend.
Don't stress too much about the NCLEX or finding a job. Stress a little; it helps you study and apply for jobs. But not so much that you're depressed. Not so much that you cry and yell at everyone and freak out about the future.
Study hard. Get a blessing from dad before your test. It really calms you. And it isn't too bad. (You.... Pass!) But even though I told you that, Study!!
Enjoy summer in Cedar. It is so beautiful and wonderful. You have fun camping adventures, boating excursions, and you even get a bit tan! :)
Go to the beach. I went as a desperate escape from life and a reminder that there is world beyond Utah. But YOU should go to have fun with your best friends. Go to party at Sea World and to get sand up in all your crevices. Haha... Oh man, we're funny.
Find ways to be happy even when you don't feel like it. Play video games and board games with Lily. Make delicious dinners at Cyann's. Play with Brittni every night (since she can because you gave her all your money). Have an amazing Christmas in July! Best day ever!
Apply for jobs. Everywhere and anywhere. Take time every day to search. Take Tylenol BEFORE you start looking. (Job searching headaches are terrible.)
You will finally get a job. Maybe not as soon as you wanted to, but pretty quickly when compared with other places. Training isn't fun. But listen.
Tell your manager than you CAN'T train on August 11th or 12th. So you can can go to Quin's wedding, Kris's wedding, and meet your new nephew. She'll be okay without you for those two days. Save yourself the tears. (Sorry to give away specifics, but this is important.)
You will love your job. At first you think it's the death of you and that you should just quit because it's making you miserable. But it really is a great fit for you. And one day, when you talk to your nursing friends, you will be the only one who really loves their job! How lucky!
Love your new apartment and ward. You love it so much at first, but keep loving it. Try really hard to talk to everyone and remember their names! You suck at the name thing. But don't let it intimidate you into never learning. Visit teach. Go to activities when you can.
Visit Brittni. And Annalie. Call Cyann every week. Sometimes you forget, but get with it!! Visit Lynsie and Chelsey. Have a Halloween party. Dress up.
Start listening to Christmas music in October. You never get sick of it this year, for some reason. Have a great holiday season. Try to be happy. Things are looking up for us.
Don't trade so many shifts that you work 6 days in a row the week of Christmas. You may be thinking,'"duh!!" but don't do it.
Let the sad things of 2011 go. Don't let them ruin any second of 2012. They're done. They are memories now. In the past.
Remember the happy times. Look forward to happy times.
Hope this helps,
Mindy of January 2012
Monday, December 5, 2011
i'm a dandy
i still love my job. okay... some days i don't. like when i have someone tell me that i'm getting 4 admits. and even worse, i found out, was the day after having 4 admits. fixing orders, trying to explain things to families, calling doctors, and trying to have a smile while doing it.
but then there are these moments that make everything worth it.
like when i walk into a patient's room and she smiles from ear to ear, takes my hand, and starts tearing up as she says, "I'm SO glad you're my nurse today. I just love it when you're here. You are a perfect nurse. I just love you."
true story. :)
plus, there is this adorable old man who likes to follow me around all day because he doesn't really know what else to do or what's going on. his dementia makes things really entertaining for us both. like how he asks the same question to me 7 times in one hour.
whenever i have to walk away from the nurses stations he gets a little anxious and asks, "where are you going?" and i tell him i'll be right back. when i come back he says, "i thought you'd abandoned me!" and i reassure him.
but i surprised myself the other day when i walked back to the nurses station and he was gone. i found myself looking around for him, and when he walked up i said, "i thought you'd abandoned me!"
he's so fun. and he told me i'm his favorite nurse. he said, "you're a special one. you're a dandy."
i love that!
some days i walk down the hall at work and think about how lucky i am to be a nurse. and how much i have really grown to love working at a care center. i think one day i still want to try out different specialties, but i'm so relieved and happy that i'm perfectly content with my job right now and that it is something i enjoy.
but then there are these moments that make everything worth it.
like when i walk into a patient's room and she smiles from ear to ear, takes my hand, and starts tearing up as she says, "I'm SO glad you're my nurse today. I just love it when you're here. You are a perfect nurse. I just love you."
true story. :)
plus, there is this adorable old man who likes to follow me around all day because he doesn't really know what else to do or what's going on. his dementia makes things really entertaining for us both. like how he asks the same question to me 7 times in one hour.
whenever i have to walk away from the nurses stations he gets a little anxious and asks, "where are you going?" and i tell him i'll be right back. when i come back he says, "i thought you'd abandoned me!" and i reassure him.
but i surprised myself the other day when i walked back to the nurses station and he was gone. i found myself looking around for him, and when he walked up i said, "i thought you'd abandoned me!"
he's so fun. and he told me i'm his favorite nurse. he said, "you're a special one. you're a dandy."
i love that!
some days i walk down the hall at work and think about how lucky i am to be a nurse. and how much i have really grown to love working at a care center. i think one day i still want to try out different specialties, but i'm so relieved and happy that i'm perfectly content with my job right now and that it is something i enjoy.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
a moment
yesterday one of my patients passed away.
since working, i've had only 4 people i've taken care of pass away.
but this one was the first one that happened on my shift.
i'm not depressed or anything. i just feel like this is a moment i'll remember forever.
she was the sweetest little lady. so cute. so happy. she was confused most of the time. and i admit that half of the fun of taking care of her was hearing all the funny things she would say.
they had a little spot light on her the month before in the care center news letter. i don't remember everything, except that her husband asked her to marry him on their first date and she was an amazing cook. i tried to remember those things about her when i took care of her.
yesterday she took a turn for the worse. they moved her into a private room so her family could be by her side. she wasn't doing well. i was relieved when her son showed up at 3. i knew she didn't have long.
then, around four, one of my aides came up to me and told me that her son thought she stopped breathing.
i went into the room and instantly knew. she was gone. i had to do something nurse-y. so i got down beside her bed and tried to feel for a pulse. nothing.
i said in an almost whisper, "i can't find a pulse." and her son fell apart. he grabbed my hand and held it tightly as he cried. i teared up. i'm the type of person that does that. i empathize a little too much sometimes.
he let go of my hand and thanked me for taking care of her.
it was hard to leave the room and go on about my job like nothing was going on in that room. someone's life just changed forever. and yet i had a patient bugging me to give him his pills. wow.
i've just been thinking about this a bit. like i said, i'm okay; not depressed. and i think i handled it all very well. i think i'll remember her for the rest of my life. what a moment.
i love nursing.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
music
i've been thinking a lot about music lately.
maybe it's because i got to spend 5 days with brittni in the last two weeks. (!) and maybe it's because her boyfriend and her together make up this awesome music encyclopedia.
and also, its because i listened to my brother's podcast. the episode "defining moments" talks about a theory relating to music that garit has. he thinks that the music you listen to at certain ages (between 4-10? something like that) shapes the kinds of music you will like for the rest of your life.
and although i know that tastes in music can change, the more i think about it, the more i believe it.
i was sitting with brittni and adam this weekend hearing them name off their top 5 favorite bands and talking about albums and concerts and things, and i was just LOST. i hardly knew what they were talking about. or if i had heard of the bands, i wouldn't have been able to name one song that they played.
since when did i become so out of the loop when it came to music? before my mission, music was my obsession. seriously. i always listened to music. always checked out new bands. always bought and downloaded songs and albums. dan and i would talk about our favorites and spend hours listening to things.
then i couldn't listen to music for two years.
and.............. here i am. still lost in this big world of music. begging for someone to tell me what to listen to.
OR! maybe i'm just in to different types of music. thinking about that music theory all week, i've figured out a few things from my childhood that shaped my music love. here were my favorite songs as a child. among others, i'm sure.
celine dion- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZNOUrB2aUY
depeche mode- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBKykEr1UcE
boys to men- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9N9opF-PK5k&ob=av2e
gloria estefan- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=et9C32GMJQ4&ob=av2e
i think this sums up my musical love all in one.
a lot of it comes from my dad, my older brothers, and my mom.
anyway. just something to think about.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
i like things.
i had a lot of fun at work yesterday. which is so good. guess what, everyone? i like my job. a month or so ago i would have only been able to say, "i don't HATE it." but now i like it. and yesterday i really liked it. it was a slow day. like, i had to think of things to do for a couple hours because nothing was happening. it was great. i got to talk to patients, check on them more often, assess like i learned in school, and just feel like a nurse. some days i just feel like a drug dealer. and some of my co-workers are so funny and awesome! and it helps that the CNAs keep telling me that i'm one of their favorite nurses to work with. life is good in that department for now. i'm happy i like it.
my visiting teachers are incredible. they're my first set that has actually visited me, so they earn points there. but they go beyond that. they text me all the time, seek me out at church to talk to me and ask me how i am, listen to and remember everything i tell them, visit randomly just because, and bring me cupcakes. on sunday, after one of my friends had to leave church, one of my visiting teachers switched rows to sit by me so i wasn't alone. it was so nice of her. makes me feel super loved. and on tuesday, they brought me dinner. and not just any dinner, cafe rio's pork salad. yeah. they're that amazing. i just love them.
my nephews are the cutest kids around. camden is goofy and funny. kent is adorable and squirmy. and i get to have a new nephew or niece come april! yay yay yay! plus, cyann found out she's having a girl. so in february i get a new sort of niece, like lily. i'm so excited! little children are the best.
i've been having so many dreams about korea lately. it's good and bad. good, because i still feel connected to it and like it was real. bad, because part of me thinks i'll never get to go back there. or if i do, it will just be a sad disappointing trip, realizing that things are not the same. i'm seriously trying to save money to go to korea next year in the fall. i really really want to. and some days the thought of saving money for that trip is what i need to wake up in the morning and go to work. but then i remember about paying off student loans and how chester (my car) is not going to live forever and that i need to get a phone plan soon. and money seems like it doesn't grow on trees anymore. sometimes i think life was easier when i was super poor and didn't even think about spending money.
i think i'm a good friend. not to toot my own horn, or anything, but i think i've been handling some things pretty well lately. and although sometimes i'm forgetful and don't keep in touch with everyone i want to keep in touch with, just know that i think about you all ALL the time and i pray for my friends.
i get to go to cedar tomorrow. for about 24 hours. then come back to work for 4 days. then go to cedar again for a longer trip. i miss cedar SO MUCH! i always knew that i wouldn't be able to live there forever but sometimes, especially now because it's fall, i miss campus SO much. i miss walking through the leaves. i miss buying hot chocolate in the sharwan smith center with cy and annalie. i miss the weird parades and things that cedar does almost every weekend. and i miss how small and quiet it can be down there. but i get to visit soon. and i'm so excited.
provo is beautiful though. i hate to admit it, because i seriously thought it would be the last thing i would EVER think, but i like it here. i like the pretty trees, the closeness of the mountains, the nearness of my family, my ward, the new friends i'm making, having more than 3 grocery stores to choose from. it's nice.
the good news, though, is that i definitely do not run the risk of catching provo face anymore. i'm almost 25. and that's almost being a menace. provo face is more of an 18-21 year old thing. so i dodged that bullet. too bad for my sister though... caught it and never could quite shake it. :)
eh. life is good.
my visiting teachers are incredible. they're my first set that has actually visited me, so they earn points there. but they go beyond that. they text me all the time, seek me out at church to talk to me and ask me how i am, listen to and remember everything i tell them, visit randomly just because, and bring me cupcakes. on sunday, after one of my friends had to leave church, one of my visiting teachers switched rows to sit by me so i wasn't alone. it was so nice of her. makes me feel super loved. and on tuesday, they brought me dinner. and not just any dinner, cafe rio's pork salad. yeah. they're that amazing. i just love them.
my nephews are the cutest kids around. camden is goofy and funny. kent is adorable and squirmy. and i get to have a new nephew or niece come april! yay yay yay! plus, cyann found out she's having a girl. so in february i get a new sort of niece, like lily. i'm so excited! little children are the best.
i've been having so many dreams about korea lately. it's good and bad. good, because i still feel connected to it and like it was real. bad, because part of me thinks i'll never get to go back there. or if i do, it will just be a sad disappointing trip, realizing that things are not the same. i'm seriously trying to save money to go to korea next year in the fall. i really really want to. and some days the thought of saving money for that trip is what i need to wake up in the morning and go to work. but then i remember about paying off student loans and how chester (my car) is not going to live forever and that i need to get a phone plan soon. and money seems like it doesn't grow on trees anymore. sometimes i think life was easier when i was super poor and didn't even think about spending money.
i think i'm a good friend. not to toot my own horn, or anything, but i think i've been handling some things pretty well lately. and although sometimes i'm forgetful and don't keep in touch with everyone i want to keep in touch with, just know that i think about you all ALL the time and i pray for my friends.
i get to go to cedar tomorrow. for about 24 hours. then come back to work for 4 days. then go to cedar again for a longer trip. i miss cedar SO MUCH! i always knew that i wouldn't be able to live there forever but sometimes, especially now because it's fall, i miss campus SO much. i miss walking through the leaves. i miss buying hot chocolate in the sharwan smith center with cy and annalie. i miss the weird parades and things that cedar does almost every weekend. and i miss how small and quiet it can be down there. but i get to visit soon. and i'm so excited.
provo is beautiful though. i hate to admit it, because i seriously thought it would be the last thing i would EVER think, but i like it here. i like the pretty trees, the closeness of the mountains, the nearness of my family, my ward, the new friends i'm making, having more than 3 grocery stores to choose from. it's nice.
the good news, though, is that i definitely do not run the risk of catching provo face anymore. i'm almost 25. and that's almost being a menace. provo face is more of an 18-21 year old thing. so i dodged that bullet. too bad for my sister though... caught it and never could quite shake it. :)
eh. life is good.
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