dream

those who know me know that i dream. every night. yep.
last night i had a dream. the night before i had a dream. the night before that, i had a dream. november 23, 2007 i had a dream. i just know it. because i always do.

sometimes when i dream it's just one of those "eh" dreams that are just there to occupy my brain while i sleep because apparently my brain won't turn off for a second.

but other times when i dream they are so big and real to me that when i wake up i can't help but just sit there for a few moments and think about what the dream was about, what it could mean, and how it should affect my day and life.

last night i had quite the dream. it was long and vivid and troubling. not that it was about anything bad or scary or anything, but it was like waking up from watching a movie that makes you think so hard your brain hurts.

all i know is that when i woke up i sat there in my bed for a half hour just thinking and thinking. and i've literally been thinking about it all day long. i know what i think i should do because of it. but it seems silly to me. and useless.

anyway, i just........... keep thinking about it so i thought i'd blog about it.

if anyone wants to know what the dream was about, then ask.

but it involved an old house, main street in cedar, soccer games, and lots of people.

Last day!

Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Dear Mindy,
Let's be honest. One thing you like about yourself is that you don't get any satisfaction out of bragging about yourself. So this letter's going to be short.

I love your personality. I love that you're hilarious and entertain me everyday. I love that you easily can make friends and you try hard to keep them. I love that you find joy in blood and guts and hospitals. I love that you like to look pretty and that you can't bring yourself to wear a regular tee shirt in public because it makes you feel trashy. I love your sarcasm. And your taste in music.

In a nut shell, you rock.

Lobe,
Mindy

Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope that I can truly learn to love running.

I hated it for as long as I can remember. I just hate it. I hated running the mile in school, running around the field for soccer practice, running for warm up or during swim practice, running with the army for ROTC, and being expected to like running for exercise in Korea. I was always the slowest runner, never could run very long, and it hurt my knees so badly I wanted to die.

But this semester I started running, and I love it. I can even run a mile! When I can run alone or with other people who suck as bad as I do and don't judge me, I love it.

I'm hoping I'll be ready to run (or at least finish) a half marathon this February. It really excites me.

So I hope I can love it all the time.

day 28

What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

well......

i doubt this would happen. knowing me. unless i were married. then it would happen. eventually.

i think babies have the right to have a mother and a father. so hopefully i'd get married to the guy. if that wasn't the case though, i'd have to pray about it. i'd consider adoption

but i think i'm sort of at a place in my life where i could have that baby and raise it. i kind of don't really know though. i feel like i'd want to raise the baby. but i want it to have a dad. so.... dilemma.

i don't know. what do y'all think i should do?

day 27

What’s the best thing going for you right now?

the best thing going for me in my life is definitely that in approximately 4 months and 21 days i will graduate from univeristy with my bachelors of science in nursing.
 
it has been quite the journey. i wanted to be a nurse when i was a little kid. then a fear of blood turned me off of persuing that profession. then i wanted to be a writer. but then hatred of being told what to write about turned me off of that. then i wanted to be a science teacher. but hello, me and kids? sometimes that doesn't work. then a doctor. but then i prayed about it. and nursing was the choice.
 
i'm so glad i get to be a nurse.
 
nursing school is such a pain. i can honestly say that it's the hardest thing i've ever had to do. and i've had to learn korean while living with people who can't speak a word of english. nursing school is just hard. there's no other word to describe it. HARD.
 
I remember my first day of nursing school. the department chair got up in our class and literally told us that nursing school was now number one in our life. above our family, above friends, above jobs, above God. (okay, she said church, but God sounds more harsh.)
 
it has been quite the ride. and although i'm SO glad for it to be over and to start my new phase in life, i will really miss it. Okay, not it. i can do without the tests, the stress, the sleep deprivation, the tears, the anger, the swears, the idiot professors. but i can honestly tell you that i love those 20 people that i get to see every week like we're best friends.
 

megan is so sweet. she makes me want to be better. jessica j is strong and really motivated. heather is hilarious with her off color comments. i love talking about asia with her. nicole is quietly funny and SO smart sometimes it makes me jealous. melissa is gorgeous and is super intelligent as well. karisa is a sweetheart. i'm glad we threw her a baby shower. jessica h is smart, beautiful, and is so sincere when we talk. julia is one of my favorite people on the planet. she inspires me to be a better member of society and i love how she compliments me every day. analisa has the cutest handwriting and is such a good learner. russell is quiet, but really actually quite funny. and he lets me bug him, which is a perk. james rocks. he is super funny and loves my hair bows. janette is nice and quiet, but does her best at everything she does. jackie is adorable and has the cutest laugh. brittany has so much energy and is so fun to listen to. annette is a sweet girl who is really SO funny and also makes me want to be better. daron is hilarious and i secretly (ok, not so secretly) love when he swears. he's passionate about nursing and it shows. cyndi is a strong woman and even though she's the oldest one of the bunch, i consider her my peer. i really look up to her. katie is so cute. even though she joined the group later, she fit right in and is so kind to absolutely everyone. cyann is one of my best friends. i love that she is so blunt and sincere. i'm so glad she is there to read my emotions and know how to help. and last, (and best of all), is Annalie. She's really my best friend in Cedar, and i rely on her for pretty much everything. she was there with me through crappy times, hears me complain when i fail validations, gets mad with me when when i lose 5 points on an assignment, laughs with me and at me while we study drug names, procrastinates with me, makes me sign up for half marathons, and is just ALWAYS there to help me. i love her so so much.

i made some of the best friends in nursing school. and when i get out of school, pass the NCLEX on the first try, and get my first job as an RN, it will all be worth it.

i love nursing. every day i learn more about what nurses do i know that it's the right path for me. i love caring about people, talking with people, learning about their lives, and helping them get better. gives me the warm fuzzies. it really is worth it.

can't wait.

Day 26

Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Well... To me "giving up on life" and wanting to commit suicide are different things in my mind. Just to clarify.

I think once in high school I thought about how sucky and lonely life was and the thought popped into my head that perphaps I should just die. Then I immediately thought it was crazy. I don't know how'd I even do it. Then I think about that commandment "thou shalt not kill" and I just laughed it off.

As for giving up on life, I have felt that quite a lot. To me that's when I want to just stop doing anything, stop working towards goals, stop dreaming, stop caring. I thought a lot about where I'm at in life just two days ago. And how I have different opinions of what it means to have a meaningful life compared to that of my friends.

I'm happy with my life. Mostly because when I pray I am constantly reassured that right now my life is where it needs to be and I'm doing everything I can to better it.

But other people have different opinions of what should make me happy. And I guess I'm tired of getting the pity looks from people and not being cared about. I'm sad that people ask me if I'm dating anyone and after I say no they stop asking about my life, as if any other events aren't able to bring me happiness.

Sometimes when I dwell on those opinions and compare lives with other people I feel like the view I have of my life is wrong and I just want to give up. But luckily I don't. And I didn't this week.

I still have many things in my life that bring me happiness. They just aren't husband or kid or boyfriend things. They're friend things and birthday party things and finding new people to flirt with things and getting a 3.7 GPA thing. And I understand that people dont really ask me those things. I wish they would.

Anyway, that was random and sort of off subject. But I wrote a 3 pages in my journal thing about it last night so this was all on my mind.

Enjoy.

Day 25

The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Don't really know, to be honest.

I always thought it would be cool to die on my mission. You know, direct to heaven. Haha.
But I guess, in my experience, God doesn't usually give me exactly what
I want. I'm pretty sure I'm going to die in some unexpected way.
Dan always says that he's going to kill me indirectly.

SO anyway... Answer to this one is that God wants me alive. So he can kill me later. Hahaha :)

Day 24

Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose all the songs.

dear dan,
this playlist is to you, bestest bud. because music is one of those things we usually agree on. as long as i can remember, you and i have had the same taste in music. minus a few country tunes that i like and a few opera tunes you like. all these songs remind me of you in some way. and i'll never listen to them without remembering a good time i've had with you.


Keep it loose, keep it tight- Amos Lee (I introduced you to him. You loved his music right off. You loved this song and we used to listen to it and sing it while we were at work.)
Pool Party- Aquabats (Ha! :) I forget that I introduced you to them. Well, i guess i forgot that i did until you told me to play it on your iPod this summer while we were driving. We know all the words! Even the stupid background ones! "And mike toludo's coming!!")
The Rock Show- Blink 182 (This song makes me laugh. because there was a time when i was in 9th grade that this was my favorite song but i didn't have it. Do you remember that you made me a burned CD for my birthday? You found this song for me just to burn onto the CD for me. you were such a sweet little 7th grader. short too. haha.)
Cannonballs and  Butterflies- Cary Judd (You introduced me to Cary Judd. I still like him. This was your favorite one of his. And when i really missed you my freshman year i used to listen to this song and smile. Remember when we went to his concert? I loved it. We really shouldn't have brought my sister. She doesn't like him and sort of ruined it. but we learned our lesson.)
2 AM- Anna Nalik (You loved this song my senior year of high school. it was your sophomore year. i think you can play it on the guitar. i eventually learned it too. but the reason i still love this song is because the night of my senior party i was hating it. because i didn't really like anyone in my graduating class. i wish you could have come. so i left the party early. at 2 AM. and guess what song came on the radio? this one. i'm sure the radio station did it on purpose. but it reminded me that i have great friends. and i don't need high school anymore.)
So Long, So Long- Dashboard Confessional (I think this is your favorite dashboard song. I could be wrong. but you can play it on the piano! and I LOVE that you can. you tell me that it's "so easy!" but really now, i'm impressed, so just take it. I love the line in this song that says "drive past the lifeguard stand where i sit around waiting for you to remember." story of our summers. and ugh. i think everytime i listen to this song my heart wants to cry. it's so beautiful. and really puts into words how i feel whenever i have to tell anyone goodbye.)
I Will Follow You into the Dark- Death Cab for Cutie (This will for sure always remind me of you. you play it on the guitar and i eventually learned too. remember when you finally realized that the lyrics said "illuminate the No's" as opposed to the "Nose" you thought it was. hahaha.)
What Sarah Said- Death Cab for Cutie (Okay, Stephanie introduced us to this band, right? It's because of this song. I still remember how you would go around telling me "Love is watching someone DIE!!" you liked to scream the die part. haha. love this.)
Wine Red- The Hush Sound (Oddly enough this song was the song that was in my head most often on my mission. I have no idea why. but you introduced me to them.)
Far Away- Ingrid Michaelson (You love this song. and even though you swear to me that i didn't tell you about her first, i did. i so remember finding her out. but it's okay. because we both knew about her before she was on the radio. so we both win.)
Banana Pancakes- Jack Johnson (You played this song for me on Saturday. sorry i didn't sing with you. maybe next time. i remember the summer we listened to this album all the time. good times.)
Vincent- Josh Groban (Of course this reminds me of you. how could it not? I think this is one of the first songs i heard you sing. or maybe i didn't hear you sing it but you told me you were going to sing it? anyway, i listened to it and i still love it. "This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.")
Arthur Nix- Jupiter Sunrise (HUMAN BEING INSIDE A JAR! hahahahahaha! your welcome for introducing you to them. :) )
Such Great Heights- The Postal Service (This reminds me of you. You used to sing it all the time. I think one time you put it as your facebook status. "Dan mitton is waiting from such great heights." and then i commented "Come down now!" hehe.)
I'm A Terrible Person- Rooney (OH HOW I LOVE THIS SONG. haha! makes me laugh! You and brittain. But then remember this summer when we sent it to Sarah's ex (aka z-douche) from your facebook account. we laughed about it. i wonder what he thought when he got it.)
Passenger's Seat- Stephen Speaks (You play stephen speaks songs all the time. but i think this one is the one that reminds me of you most. it's cute.)
Let That Be Enough- Switchfoot (I think this is the first song you learned on the guitar. so when i learned i wanted to learn it eventually, but not first. turned out to be the first one i did learn though. and it's the only one i can still pick out. i really should practice again.)
Monday, Monday, Monday- Tegan & Sara (Last year when what's his face broke up with me you told me about tegan & sara. and I loved this song. and i loved lots of their songs. and now i have more tegan and sara songs then you do. i think everytime i come to town you mention how i need to give you them. but i haven't yet. maybe if you didn't have a Mac then my harddrive would work on your computer.)
Superman- Tony Hawk Pro-Skater soundtrack (HAHAHAHAHA. This song reminds me of 7th grade you. Short, quiet, missionary hair cut. Oh man. and you presented this as your song in orchestra. oh, we made fun of you for that one. you put this one on my CD for me that year too. sorry for reminding you of this time, but no playlist to you would be complete without it.)

I guess that's it. There are SO many more. Most music reminds me of you in some way. Thanks for sharing good artists with me throughout the years. And yes, i know you've showed me more than i've shown you. so we don't have to argue about that again.

your best friend,
mindy

Day 23

Something you wish you had done in your life.

In thinking about this I decided that

I wish I would have been more open with telling people what I feel about them and being more affectionate.

You know, I've never been the super touchy feely type. I never gAve people hugs just because or knwin what to do in situations that might require me being affectionate. I always envied the friends who hugged each other when saying hello or goodbye, even if they knew that they would see each other the next day.

On my mission I wasn't allowed to hug very many people. Not even my mission president, the
Man who was like my second father and saw me cry all the time.
Coming home I realized that I wanted to hug more people.

So I do. I'm not saying that I'm always hugging everyone, but I've made great strides. I can hug Dan now all the time. And my roomies. And my brother. Ha.

I'll keep trying it. Anyone who wants a free hug, just ask! :)

Day 22

Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Only a few things come to mind.
One of them is super personal, so not telling that one.

Okay. I got one.

Back story: when I was in 6th grade I hated my clothes. Why I just didnt ask for new clothes is beyond me. But I guess part of the problem was that I knew that I would just have to start wearing a bra. And those were so uncomfortable.

So, Tom boy Mindy would wear tee shirts and a large sweatshirt every day. Yes, even in the hot Arizona sun. Anyway, that's not the regret yet.

One day in 6th grade right before I moved to Utah a girl who
Sat next to me asked me why I always wear the same thing everyday and told me it was gross. I told her that I would change my shirt but wear the sweatshirt still. I was so embarrassed.

Now, onto the regret. I was now in 7th grade and I was a loud and obnoxious girl in class soemtimes. One class that I was in I got to be really good friends with a girl named Bobby Jo and a guy named Nick. We laughed and were smart alecs and loud. Well, one time I noticed that Nick wore the same shirt almost everyday. 

I don't know what possessed me to do it, but I ended up asking him why he wears the same shirt everyday and that it was gross. He got quiet and didn't say much the rest of the day. He must have been so embarrassed. 

Almost instantly I felt terrible for saying that. I should have apologized. But I never did. And all through junior high and high school every time I saw him I felt horrible inside.

I wish I wouldn't have said that. I hate making people feel bad about themselves. I hope I never have to be the cause of low self esteem in anyone. I know what it feels like to think little of yourself. And be embarrassed about clothes. Though you'd never think I care much about what I wear. I wore turquoise tights yesterday fir crying out loud.

It's really funny to me that I still feel terrible about this.

Hmmm.

Day 21

(scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Getting into fights is what Dan and I do best. It's our hobby, really.

OF COURSE I would do whatever it took to help him or see him. I'd for sure be excited
To go to the hospital with him. :) but I would certainly be worried sick. Praying and worrying.

I love Dan. We have a unique relationship.

But I would do anything for him. Absolutely anything. And I know he would do anything for me. I know this because last night when we were arguing he said that we were best friends and he'd do anything for me. So...

:)

day 20

Your views on drugs and alcohol.


Well, the hard drugs and excessive alcohol use is stupid. I think we can all agree on that. Anything that makes you lose control of your body can't be good. Medically speaking, I can't even tell you how many terrible effects there are on your body from ingesting these things. DON'T SMOKE. It's SO harmful. Every disease that we learn about has smoking as a risk factor. I don't drink alcohol because of my beliefs, but drinking too much is so detrimental to your body. Please don't do it.
 
It breaks my heart that families and relationships can be broken apart because of a chemical. Really, people? Really?
 
And on the other hand, drugs used for medicine. Follow your doctor's directions. Don't be stupid.
 
And those are the thoughts of Mindy Crockett, future RN. If she passes the NCLEX.
 
The End.

Day 19

What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?


First off, I don't think of politics. I don't care. If that makes me a "bad, uninformed citizen" then fine. Label me. But I don't like wasting my time on things I think are boring and stupid. I just don't care. Sorry. And yeah, this means at any given time I don't have the slightest clue at what's happening in the world. Get over it.

Religion, on the other hand, is something I do everyday. It brings satisfaction to my life, so it's worth the time.

Religion is a funny thing. Okay, not like "laugh out loud" funny, but peculiar thing. I'm very religious. I think that most of my actions are based off of my core beliefs that I have learned through my religion. And I can understand other people's opinions that religion is a made up thing. Actually, I think most religions are made up by random bored people. But I won't get into that.

My time in nursing school has taught me a lot about spirituality. I have a lot of close friends in my class that do not believe what I believe. And even in class we have had lessons about spirituality as related to our health. I am of the opinion that every person on this earth has some sort of spiritual connection to something.

It can be a religion, a belief, found through meditation, pondering, yoga, communing with nature, praying to Gods, through love. But I believe that all people are spiritual beings and just like we have to eat and sleep and breathe to stay alive, we need to have some sort of spiritual outlet to keep balance within ourself.

This being said, I want to just let you all know how grateful I am for my religion. I believe and know that it is true. And it has made me a better person.
If you want to know more, go to one of the websites that my dad works on - mormon.org

and it continues.

this was supposed to be for yesterday. ah well.

Your views on gay marriage.


First off, this is one of those topics that no matter what, some person will offend SOMEONE in the world. So I apologize for offending someone in advance.
 
Second, I want to assure you all that I love everyone. All kinds of people. White people, black people, Asian people (even Japanese... But mostly Koreans :) ), boys, girls, heterosexuals, homosexuals, old people, young people, sinners, and those of you who think you're perfect. We're all God's children. So I love everyone. And I think everyone has a right to be loved, respected, and not judged for who they are.
 
My views on gay marriage are my own. I'm not blindly following someone else's opinion. After general conference this year I decided to take some personal pondering time and decided what I really believe. And I believe that marriage is the union of a man and a woman. It is something that God instituted from the beginning of time and it is something sacred. God's thoughts were never man's thoughts. It is something he created for us to be happy and have children. I feel that changing the definition of marriage to please mankind wrecks a beautiful and natural thing. There are so many things in the world that mankind doesn't agree with. But if we changed them all to please people, the beautiful things that God intended for us would be lost.
 
Those are my own thoughts.

Day 17

A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

ok. well, this'll sound cheesey and everything inbetween, but it's the honest truth.

The Book of Mormon changed my life.

I remember the first time i read it. I was in seminary my 9th grade year of high school. And that year we were learning about the Book of Mormon, so I though, "Hey, I need to read that." And I did. And I remember sitting there after I finished it thinking "Okay, so now I pray to see if it's true." I took the challenge listed in Moroni 10:4-5, got on my knees, and prayed. The thing is, I knew it was true. I knew it. It teaches me wonderful things. That Jesus is the Savior of the world, and that there can be true happiness. It teaches me to be a better person, more optomisic, and patient. I need all of those things as much as i can.

The second time i read it was during my senior year of high school. I prayed again to know if it was true. And I felt like God told me "Duh. You already know."

I read it again my sophomore year in College. It was when President Hinkley challenged us to read it. Because I read it I recieved so many life blessings.

When I went on my mission, I read it everyday. I finished it around 5 times.

I remember one time reading it and afterwards saying out loud to myself, "How can I read that and not have it change my life?"

So, I'm just going to write a bit about The Book of Mormon, the book that has influenced my life more than any other book in existence.
I know it's true. I know it. You can't tell me that I don't know it, because I know it just as I know that my name is Mindy. It was truly written by people that lived in the Ancient Americas, preserved for us, for ME, to read and learn today. I know that it contains the fullness of the gospel. It teaches about priesthood, prophets, Jesus Christ, baptism, and the Plan of Salvation. Through this book we can KNOW that Jesus lives, he loves us, and we can know God's plan for us. I know that it's true. I know that it was translated by the power of God by Joseph Smith. Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God. I know it without a doubt.
This book is true. Any person who lives by what it teaches will be a better person. I also know that the promise in Moroni is true. ANYONE who reads that book and prays with a sincere heart and with real intent will know the truth of it. I've tested it, and I've seen it.
I lived in Korea for a year and a half and testified of these truths. I would never have done that if I weren't 100% sure that what I was sharing was true.
Nothing means more to me than this knowledge I have.

Nothing has changed my life more than this book.

day 16

Someone or something you definitely could live without.

um..........................................

?? maybe i'll think of something. but i'm tired.
ugh.

day 15

Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

my time in korea taught me a little bit about this.
i guess the things i missed the most are the things i can't live without, right??

1. my mom. i missed her everyday.
2. my sister. i hated not being there with her.

3. the rest of my family. the times i would feel most homesick was when my family was all together for dinners or events and i wasn't there. it really got to me. i don't think i could have survived without knowing that one day i'd be back with them.
4. dan. it was weird to be without him. i'd been best friends with him for years and years. i got to be with him at the mtc for 8 weeks. but that night that i had to say goodbye to him for good broke my heart. that was one of the first times that my whole district saw me cry. i thought that we'd grow apart on our missions because mail took about 3 months between countries. and after i got home and he was still gone it was so hard somedays to accept that he wasn't there. i'm SO glad that we picked up right where we left off after he got home. he's my very best friend. and although i know one day we'll both get married to different people and not be able to hang out every day, i hope we can be great friends forever.
5. cheese. oh, i missed having cheese around. i don't think i can live without eating cheese. it's great.
6. milk. just ask my mom.
7. peanut butter.

that's probably about it. i love a lot of things and a lot of people. so don't be offended if you think i can live without you.

i'm sure God puts people in my life at certain times because he knows that I couldn't live without them otherwise. I'm absolutely certain that I could not get through life as I live it now without my roommates, annalie, my nursing class, sarah, and other people. like the people who send me random text messages and say "I was just thinking about you. I love you." MAKE MY DAY! :)

So, thanks everyone.

day 14

A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Dear Dumbledore,

You don't know me. (Which is really too bad.) But I just wanted to tell you a few things.

You used to be one of my heroes. Super intelligent, quirky, powerful, humourous, and helped out our pal Harry when he was seemingly unloved, stupid, and powerless. I admired you for that.

But then you go and die. And I understood that part. And I even guessed Snape had to do it for you because you asked even before most of the world did. Because I believed in you. And I knew you would trust Snape for good reasons.

The thing I have trouble with is how you didn't tell anyone about your life. You left it all up to mystery. I guess it was yours to tell and you probably didn't just go around saying stuff like, "Guess what? I was best friends with that evil Grindewald guy I helped defeat." But even then, come on! A little bit here and there isn't going to kill you. (No pun intended.)

I also don't like that you left Harry basically nothing about destroying the horcruxes. You better be grateful he had Hermione with him. He would have been dead within 3 minutes of Book 7. If you would have told him how to destroy them, or even why he should trust Snape, then lots of things and deaths could have been avoided. It just peeves me that you meant so much to him and yet offered him so little help.

Oh, and the being gay thing. I've got nothing against people who are gay. But why didn't you just tell us? It was frustrating finding out you were different than what I knew.

I guess just stop being someone you're not. Or at least tell SOMEONE SOMETHING about yourself. You don't want people looking up to you and figuring out later that you lie.

Anyway. I still like you. I cried for a good hour when you died. But I just needed to express this disappointment.

Thanks & Love,
Mindy

Day 13

A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)

Dear He Is We,

Thank you for being so amazing and helping me cope with life. I couldn't have done it without you. You've made the hard days bareable, my unspoken feeling speakable, and the good days even better.

When I got back from living in Korea it was really tough to get back into the music scene after being out of the loop for so long. It was actually really hard to just get back into life. I love music, but I like good music. It was hard to know what to look for, so for a while I didn't even look. Then one day I wanted to find a new band. I got onto my favorite music site, purevolume.com, and saw a link to a list of the year's top unsigned bands. I clicked and found you at the top of the list. I instantly fell in love with the song "Light a way." 

I listened to you non stop! I loved how your songs spoke what I was feeling. I quickly loved the song "I wouldn't mind," and loved the happy days of life.

Then life took an unexpected turn and I found myself a little down and depressed. That same exact weekend I got onto your site and you had posted a new song. "breathe" spoke my feelings so well. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect way to describe what I felt. And although the song was sad and so was I, it made me feel so much better. :)

I listened all the time to your songs. I'm sorry I couldn't go to your concert this summer. I owe you one.

Life's been better to me. And I was so happy to buy your new album last week. I already relate to "Love Life." and I think "and run" perfectly puts into words what I feel about where I'm going with life.

You did it again. Thanks for being there to help me. And thanks for sharing your talents.

Your fan,
Mindy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaOdeN2_1T8&sns=em

day 12

Something you never get compliments on.


No one EVER compliments me on my feet. Or my opera singing abilities.

but in all honesty......
I can't really even think of anything that I don't get complimented on. I surround myself with the best friends ever. Everytime I'm around them I get complimented on something. Like my hair bows. hahaha. Or not even anything about my looks. People are kind. They tell me I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm nice. So either I'm NOT any of these things or they truly mean it.

So I apologize. I guess this could have been another soul spilling blog. But I'm a disappointment.

the next one

Something people seem to compliment you on the most.

Easy.

The bows I wear in my hair.

It all started in Korea. Those cute little Asians just have fashion figured out. And I admit I was hella jealous that they were wearing cute outfits and awesome hair bows while I was wearing long boring skirts and blouses.

*shudder*

I bought some hair bows on my mission. Like a bunch of giraffes, a head band or two or three, a couple hair clips, and some bobby-pin type bows. I was excited to buy them all to wear them when I got home. Until one of my companions told me that I wouldn't be able to wear them in America. She said that fashion in America would think that wearing stuff like that in your hair was ridiculous. Only babies can pull it off.

Well, call me a baby. Cuz I'm pulling this off.

I love wearing bows in my hair. And I get a compliment almost every single time I do wear them.

For instance:
Went to a new ward this summer. Guy comes up to me in the hall. "Hey! Are you new?" Me: "Uh, Yes." Guy, "I REALLY like that bow in your hair." Me: creeped out.
My boss this summer: "You always wear those bows in your hair and it reminds me of what I put in my daughter's hair." (daugher is 4 months old.) Me: "Oh, so I guess I remind you of a baby?" Her: "Uh, Yeah. But I love that you wear them."
Julia in class, "Mindy!" Me:"Yeah?" Her: "I found this head band in my house today and I'd never be able to pull it off! But I thought of you and your awesome hair bows and I had to give it to you." Me: Not sure how to take that. But said thank you anyway.
James at the hospital: "Hey! You're wearing a bow in your hair!" Me: "Don't I usually?" James: "Yes, you used to do it all the time but lately I've noticed that you haven't worn them as much." Me: "Oh. Well, I like wearing them. But I think they make people think I'm three years old." James: "I like them. You should wear them more often."
Dan: "Why didn't you wear a bow in your hair today?" Me: "Uh, I didn't know I had to wear one everyday. Sorry." Dan: "I like when you wear bows in your hair."
Patient in the hosptial: "I really like your bow!" Me: "Thanks!"
Girl at work this summer. We figured out that not only did we both go to SUU, but we were in the same ward. Me: "We were in the same ward! I didn't know that! How did you figure that out?" Girl: "Well, at first I didn't know it was you. But then you wore a bow in your hair one day to work and I remembered how you would wear those when you taught Relief Society." Me: "Haha... my little bows." Her: "I like them! They're cute."

I could go on. Really.

Anyway. Vive le hair bow. I even wore one today. I just love them.

day 10

Someone I wish I didn't know or that I should let go.

Uh.....

No one?

Yep, no one. I think people are good. And I let go of the people I should. Because
I generally don't like to be around people that suck.

The end.

day 9

Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I think I'm going to go with my childhood best friend, Jayme (Sheldon) Harkins.

She and I were inseperable growing up. Even though she was two years older than me, we were the best of friends.

I remember the first time we met. I was in first grade, and she was in third grade. A whole bunch of neighborhood kids were playing in our cul-de-sac and Jayme wanted to play pretend "witches." I didn't want to. So I thought she was stupid. We ended up playing it anyway. And I don't really know how it happened, but she was my best friend ever.

I loved going to her house. She taught me lots of great things. She taught me how to play chess (most of my siblings don't know how to play), she taught me how to make popcorn on the stove, how to make ramen. We played pretend life together, watched movies, played barbies, legos, pretended to be famous singers, made up gymnastic routines on the trampoline, had sleep overs (one time she even punched me in the mouth and i lost a tooth the next day), we painted, did crafts with my mom, explored the desert, she was there when i broke my arm, we played with her bird, we walked to school, did EVERYTHING together. I owe a lot of my favorite personality traits to her.

The day I found out I was moving to Utah was sad. I didn't want to leave Jayme. I remember crying my eyes out on the 12 hour drive up to Lehi. I was so depressed. We wrote, called each other, and even sent each other tapes in the mail. I sent her pictures of my new friends, told her everything about crushes, she did the same. She even came out to visit twice.

I guess we just drifted because life made it happen. We would have been best friends still.

She got married a few years back. I got the invite and it was during the first week of school my sophomore year of college. I wanted to go so badly but my mom thought I'd better go to school. That is one of my biggest regrets. I wish I could have gone.

Jayme, if you ever read this, I hope you know what a big impact you had on my childhood and my life. You were the greatest best friend a girl could ask for. I'm glad we still talk a little bit on facebook. I wish were still close. You're fantastic.

Day 8

Someone who made your life horrible, or treated you like crap.

Haha.

Currently.....

My clinical instructor. She's making me angry on a daily basis with her inconsistent grading. But I mean, she's not a horrible PERSON, just a bad teacher. Any teacher who won't give out A's just because make me mad. Because I deserve an A, dang it! I work too hard to have her grade lower my GPA.

That's it. She's not too bad.

An I can honestly say no person has been so horrible to me. If people treat me like crap then I won't keep them around.

day 7

Someone who has made your life worth living for.

To be completely honest, I'm sure if I were married or had a kid or something, they would go here. but i don't, so I really don't know what to put here except..........

모연경 자매님. Sister Mo Yun-gyeong.

I met Sister Mo 2 years ago. The week of Thanksgiving in 2008. My companion had tried to discribe her unique personality but nothing did it justice. I met her at English class that Saturday and I think at first she was intimidated by a "new missionary" in the area. But we QUICKLY became friends. I think one of the first questions she asked me was "what is your blood type?" and when I answered "AB+" she freaked out because she had the same kind. INSTANT FRIENDSHIP.

We met every single Monday for the next 7 months of my mission. The last seven months of my mission. I worked SO hard trying to teach her the gospel. I had to teach every principle 3 times until she got it. I called her every night to get her to quit drinking coffee and I saw her every Saturday for english class. On Sunday I would call her at 8 in the morning to wake her up for church. She was my favorite Korean ever.

We called eachother sister. She called me her "older" sister because I was so smart and helped her life, even though I was only 22. It was such a compliment. I called her my twin. I've never met anyone who had a personality so close to mine. We really were twins.

On the day of her baptism I thought my life was complete. I don't think I've ever felt such happiness. It was the best day of my life.

Saying goodbye to her was the worst day of my life. She took my hand and said, "Thank you Crockett. Because of you I'm a good person." I cried.

She makes my life worth living because whenever I think about doing anything remotely wrong I think of her and what I taught her and I know that I know better. I think of what she thinks I am, and I try to be that person. She truly thought I was an angel. So every morning I wake up and I try to be that angel for her. Every good thing I do is for her.

I miss her more than anything in the world. I e-mail her every month. And I've only heard from her once since I've been back, but I think about her every day.

And how she made my life worth living.

Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope (and pray) that I will never get to the point of my life where I think that bridal showers are fun.

I'm serious about this. If this ever happens I can only imagine that I turned into a terrible version of myself.

*shiver*

day 5

Something you hope to do in your life.

Oh. There's lots that I want to do. Where to start....

1. Get married. I want that.
2. Have children.
3. Save someone's life.
4. Visit Korea again and even North Korea.
5. Keep learning Korean.
6. Learn another language. Like Japanese, Chinese, French, or Spanish.
7. Visit France.
8. Go to watch an Olympic swimming event.

These are what I think of first. I'm not sure if I really should only have one thing, so I guess if I had to choose one it would be to get married..

day 4

Something you have to forgive someone for.

the first thing that popped in my head is something i've been stuggling with for a while.
a while ago someone broke my trust. it was a really big blow to me and hurt me quite a lot. and although i didn't just give my trust back to this person (don't think i ever will again the way i had) i did get to the point where i could honestly say that i was okay with it.

the problem is that even though i forgave that person for breaking my trust, i never did forgive them for the way our friendship was affected.

i tried my hardest to keep our friendship going. i continued to invite them to hang out, texted them random things, tried to sit by them and talk to them when i was around them, and even called a couple times during the summer to hear about their life.

but they didn't put any effort into it anymore. what am i supposed to do about that? it's been so hard for me to lose this person as a good friend. now they are someone that i have only talked to once in the last 3 months.

i know i need to forgive this person for not putting any effort into our friendship. i don't know what they're thinking. maybe to them it's my fault. i don't know. but i need to forgive, don't i?

i know i'll get over it. i kind of just gave up a couple months ago. gave up contacting this person, seeing this person, even talking about this person. but i think it's time i stop trying to be a jerk and just be myself. if i want to put effort into it and they don't, then who cares. i'll do it anyway.

God will smile on me. and i need all the smiles i can get. :)

day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for...

things i think i beat myself up for are about my friendships. the ones i worked so hard on and then because of circumstances or situations i let dwindle and become non-existent. i feel the most regret about not remembering people's birthdays or to call them back or to take time to see them when i'm in town. or just texting them once in a while. or allowing myself to think that they're just too busy to care if i talk to them or not.

so i need to forgive myself for forgetting.

i definitely don't do it on purpose. if i could stay good friends with every person i've been good friends with, i would. but...... is it possible? it's hard when they're all on to different places and things and interests. i don't know what to talk about with them anymore. "Yeah, i'm STILL in school and yeah, STILL not married. Thanks for asking."

i think the friendships i most regret letting slow down are my friendships with katherine, lacey, jeni, kris, kori, nicole creer, my sister, and sister mo.

some aren't my fault entirely, but some are.

i guess i'll just need to find a way to forgive myself.

day 2

something you love about yourself.

first off, after thinking about one thing i hate about myself i thought of a couple more things i hate about myself. that's depressing.

but this one is good. because

i love my sense of humor.

it makes awkward moments funny, boring days extraordinary, mad people happy, sad people smiling, boring subjects interesting, family gatherings enjoyable, and many many memories.

i realize i'm not the funniest person in the world. but i entertain myself. i'm good at lightening the mood and making people feel like their life doesn't suck as bad as they think it does.

or even my own life. when i take myself too seriously i just laugh at myself and it helps.

so i love that about me. <3

day 1

something i hate about myself.

not much that i hate about myself. i guess that's a good thing.
but......... i guess

i hate that i feel like i annoy people.

somedays i don't care if people thing i'm annoying. but others times i dwell on how i might have made someone feel uncomfortable or i'm too loud or i'm just way too outgoing sometimes for my own good.

i think most of all i hate feeling like the people i love so much and would do anything for think i'm annoying. i can think of about two times when i've been certain that my best friends didn't want to be around me any more because i was too annoying. at those times in my life i just wanted to hide under a rock and be someone else. it makes me feel terrible.

i don't feel annoying very often though. today i sort of do. i just hope its not the reason that some of my friendships fell apart.

Should I?

"30 Days of Truth"


Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life horrible, or treated you like crap.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Luigi

Currently I'm sitting on a couch in my friend's house. Her daughter, my favorite three year old in existence, is sleeping next to me. She doesn't know I'm here or that her mom left. I'm hoping she won't wake up. She does like me, but I'm pretty sure waking up to someone else in your house is not a pleasant thing.
I love this girl. She calls me Luigi. Because we play mario together all the time. Whenever I come over she asks me if I can play with her. She's better than me too. Which is embarrassing, but hey! Think of it as me building up a three year old's self esteem. I'm amazing.
Whenever its been a few days since I've been over to her house, her mom says that she cries for Luigi. She asks for me to come over. I'm pretty sure half of the time Cyann invites me over to her house is just so her daughter won't cry about it anymore. ha. But every time I leave she cries still. Last night she woke up in the middle of the night and asked her mom if I could come over right then. Last week she told her mom that I should just sleep on the couch so I would never have to go home. My favorite of all time is when she got her shots at the doctor's office and on the way home said, "Mom, I just want Luigi!" How sweet is she.
She came to my house a few weeks ago. And now she always asks me about my bunny. She liked touching him. She's so funny. I let her come up to my room to get something, and within that 30 seconds of being up there she found every single toy I have in my room. My stuffed giraffe, my silly bands, my board games, and my stuffed bear. She brought them all into our living room and played with them all night.
I don't really know what the point of this blog is. Except that I love this girl so much. She's the best. And I'm SO glad her mom and I are really great friends now.
I have some of the best friends in the whole entire world. I'm a lucky duck.
I'm a lucky Luigi.

p.s. she just woke up. and hasn't cried yet. :)

blue

sometimes i think that writing my thoughts and sending them out into the abiss makes me feel better. i like to write. but then this is writing with a chance that someone will read it. so it makes it better.

i hate life. i had a life break down last night at 12:30 after i got off of the phone with dan and sarah. cry.

i'm too busy. too stressed. and half of the time i don't take time to take it all in. i just let it happen. and freak out later. which was last night.

i hate nursing school. it's torturous at the moment. i want to hide. and light it on fire. and scream. and if i have to make another presentation i'm going to DIE. which i actually have to do. i think i'll end up making about 3 more.

i hate not having crazy fun times all the time. i want to go on a trip. or camping.

but whatever. i also hate complaining. so i guess i'll stop.




my fingernails are torquoise. and i like them....................

Today.

-I've been having WEIRD dreams lately. Last night was no different. I'll spare you the patheticness of my mind. Consider yourself lucky.
-It poured rain all night. And I loved sleeping to the sound of it. And waking up at 8 with the sky still being dark.
-This morning as I was getting breakfast for myself, I opened the fridge and tried to take out the carton of milk. One thing led to another and the milk shelf came crashing to the ground. I picked up the two gallons of milk and noticed that one of them had a crack in it and was spewing milk all over the floor. I had to think fast. I propped the milk up in a position that would slow the flow of milk to the ground. I figured out where my roommates kept the pitchers in the house. Then I poured the milk into a pitcher and put it back in the fridge. The pitcher wasn't big enough for the whole gallon of milk. So I had to pour all the rest in a large glass for me to drink for breakfast. I love milk, but wow, that was a lot to drink. After I explained what happened to a confused roommate, and she left, I poured the rest of the milk down the sink. I'm such a waster. Ah well. Made for a funny story to tell my nurse at clinical to break the ice.
-Clinical today was AWESOME. I went to a gynecologist's office. And figured out that there were only 3 appointments scheduled. So I spent a total of 1 hour actually helping patients, 3 hours doing homework, and was given a 2 hour lunch break. I also got let out early. But don't tell my teacher. :) The nurse I followed was AWESOME! She helped me do my assignment. And we laughed about how stupid they are. And how we get really good at "BS"ing things in nursing school. The doctor was awesome too. He gave me a pop quiz about pap smears. haha. And then talked to me about STDs and the tests they do to diagnose. And I guess the rumor of everyone having herpes is not true. It's only 1 in 5 people. I guess that only matters in my mind, but all I know is that last year when my teacher told us that everyone has herpes, I felt gross for weeks. haha.
-I can't get over how much I LOVE the rain. I was sitting on my couch after getting out of clinical early and looked out the window and wanted to go outside so much. But all the homework I had to do was on my computer. So I took my umbrella and a pillow and set up a fort outside. I brought out my computer and sat out there for two hours reading research articles and getting weird looks from the 50 people that passed by as I sat there. BEST idea ever.
-Except......... I got cold. So I went inside. And I'm FREEZING on my couch now. My toes are cold. My butt is cold. And I want some hot chocolate. But it's all the way in the kitchen. So that's idea's out. I'm trying to trap my body heat in the blanket to keep from losing my toes to frostbite. Still, umbrella fort= best idea ever.
-Today I start teaching swimming lessons for the preschool kids. It's a service thing I'm doing for free and I'm BEYOND excited! I can't wait to play games with the little 4 year olds. It brings me joy.
-I watched two episodes of Bones today. It's like my favorite show of the moment. Dr. Brennan is hilariously awkward. So of course I can relate to her. She's also a genius, which, DUH, I can relate to as well. Agent Booth is ridiculously attractive. WOW. It's a great show. Except I'm almost caught up to where it is on TV. So that'll bite when I don't have anything to distract me from homework anymore.
-I think too much. Especially when it rains. I think if I stopped thinking about certain things or people that I would stop having weird dreams and I would stop having weird mood swings. That would be good. Because I usually take those weird mood swings out on my best friend Dan. He never even deserves it either. He's the best best friend I've ever had. But anyway, I just wish I could stop thinking about certain things. Maybe in time....
-So.... I think I slept through Elder Packer's talk during conference this weekend. The one that lots of people are having so many opinions about. I'm going to listen to it after this. Well, I guess if I have the ambition to get off of the couch to find my headphones. But I believe the apostles. I guess this'll force me to really understand what I personally believe concerning gay people. That's a good thing.
-Did I mention it's still raining? ..........mmmmmm......... Love it.
That's my today.

things on my mind

1. i don't like reading anymore. i've tried and failed at starting about 5 different books. i'm picky about what i read. but even if i think i'll really like something, i can't get into it. i'd rather read my textbooks. sad, isn't it? good news is that i've read somewhere around 300 pages of my textbooks so far this summer.
2. it's almost been a year since i've been in korea. i'm not sure if words can come close to expressing how much i miss it. my heart aches for korea. i loved being a missionary. best year and a half of my life.
3. i don't like lifeguarding anymore. but i love teaching swimming lessons. i'm in the pool for about 5 and a half hours a day now. i love it.
4. i have some of the greatest friends in the world. dan, sarah, the cedar people, mission people, work people, roommate people, family people... they're good people.
5. i can't wait to go to cedar on the 26th. CAN'T WAIT.
6. it's nearing time for me to have a nephew. i'm excited.
7. the last airbender comes out in a matter of weeks. days. AH! i'm so excited!!!
8. i miss a lot of people. i wish i was better at keeping in touch. when i get busy i forget lots of important people. i need to call jeni back. i want to talk to lynsie, chelsey, and kris about their lives. i got to talk to kori last night, but i need to talk to her more. i need to write to my daughter. she comes home next month. i wish i had tons of time to just play with mission people.
9. i love summer. it's nice. and not super stressful. but i'm excited to go to school again. ONE MORE YEAR.
10. i wish i wrote more. i love writing.

that's my mind lately. enjoy.

no regrets

my friend corey wrote a letter to his past self last week.
i couldn't stop thinking about it.
i got on my computer and wrote a letter to my past self. my self of july 2009. the mindy who was recently shocked by returning to america and to the "real world" and who was so awkward it made even her uncomfortable.
and as much as i'm sure all of you would get a laugh out of my past year, i will not be posting it online. that's too bad, huh? steal my computer, look up "dear mindy of july" in my documents, and secretly read it. otherwise, sorry. not sharing.
what i realized is that i have very few regrets from the past year.
i regret not getting my TB test and CPR card into the nursing department on time. i regret not doing my assessment in my first validation. it would have saved me a lot of tears and frustration.
i regret letting other people form opinions for me and not getting to know a few really great friends sooner than i did.
but that's about it. no regrets except those.
i was able to give away my heart this year. and get it broken. but i don't regret it.
i was so stressed out and busy that i hardly spent a minute at home and hardly had time to think. but i don't regret it.
i said a few really stupid things and made a few mistakes. but i don't even regret those times.
all these experiences brought me to where i am now. mindy of may 2010.
sure, looking back, i think i had a different idea of where mindy of may 2010 would be. i'm not there yet. but i'm happy with the things i got to go through.
i mean, i freaking passed the first year of nursing school without dropping below my 3.6 average. that's got to count for something.
i've made some friends that have changed my life and will continue to be in my life.
so, as far as i see it, mindy of may 2010 has a great life.
i guess that's all.

eh....

probably won't ever blog. seriously, i just made this so i can comment on other people's blogs. yep. blogs are more of a married person thing anyway. i don't have any pictures of my cute babies to post. so i already lose points in the blogging world.
school blows.
i'm eating korean food tonight. :)