dream

those who know me know that i dream. every night. yep.
last night i had a dream. the night before i had a dream. the night before that, i had a dream. november 23, 2007 i had a dream. i just know it. because i always do.

sometimes when i dream it's just one of those "eh" dreams that are just there to occupy my brain while i sleep because apparently my brain won't turn off for a second.

but other times when i dream they are so big and real to me that when i wake up i can't help but just sit there for a few moments and think about what the dream was about, what it could mean, and how it should affect my day and life.

last night i had quite the dream. it was long and vivid and troubling. not that it was about anything bad or scary or anything, but it was like waking up from watching a movie that makes you think so hard your brain hurts.

all i know is that when i woke up i sat there in my bed for a half hour just thinking and thinking. and i've literally been thinking about it all day long. i know what i think i should do because of it. but it seems silly to me. and useless.

anyway, i just........... keep thinking about it so i thought i'd blog about it.

if anyone wants to know what the dream was about, then ask.

but it involved an old house, main street in cedar, soccer games, and lots of people.

Last day!

Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Dear Mindy,
Let's be honest. One thing you like about yourself is that you don't get any satisfaction out of bragging about yourself. So this letter's going to be short.

I love your personality. I love that you're hilarious and entertain me everyday. I love that you easily can make friends and you try hard to keep them. I love that you find joy in blood and guts and hospitals. I love that you like to look pretty and that you can't bring yourself to wear a regular tee shirt in public because it makes you feel trashy. I love your sarcasm. And your taste in music.

In a nut shell, you rock.

Lobe,
Mindy

Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope that I can truly learn to love running.

I hated it for as long as I can remember. I just hate it. I hated running the mile in school, running around the field for soccer practice, running for warm up or during swim practice, running with the army for ROTC, and being expected to like running for exercise in Korea. I was always the slowest runner, never could run very long, and it hurt my knees so badly I wanted to die.

But this semester I started running, and I love it. I can even run a mile! When I can run alone or with other people who suck as bad as I do and don't judge me, I love it.

I'm hoping I'll be ready to run (or at least finish) a half marathon this February. It really excites me.

So I hope I can love it all the time.

day 28

What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

well......

i doubt this would happen. knowing me. unless i were married. then it would happen. eventually.

i think babies have the right to have a mother and a father. so hopefully i'd get married to the guy. if that wasn't the case though, i'd have to pray about it. i'd consider adoption

but i think i'm sort of at a place in my life where i could have that baby and raise it. i kind of don't really know though. i feel like i'd want to raise the baby. but i want it to have a dad. so.... dilemma.

i don't know. what do y'all think i should do?

day 27

What’s the best thing going for you right now?

the best thing going for me in my life is definitely that in approximately 4 months and 21 days i will graduate from univeristy with my bachelors of science in nursing.
 
it has been quite the journey. i wanted to be a nurse when i was a little kid. then a fear of blood turned me off of persuing that profession. then i wanted to be a writer. but then hatred of being told what to write about turned me off of that. then i wanted to be a science teacher. but hello, me and kids? sometimes that doesn't work. then a doctor. but then i prayed about it. and nursing was the choice.
 
i'm so glad i get to be a nurse.
 
nursing school is such a pain. i can honestly say that it's the hardest thing i've ever had to do. and i've had to learn korean while living with people who can't speak a word of english. nursing school is just hard. there's no other word to describe it. HARD.
 
I remember my first day of nursing school. the department chair got up in our class and literally told us that nursing school was now number one in our life. above our family, above friends, above jobs, above God. (okay, she said church, but God sounds more harsh.)
 
it has been quite the ride. and although i'm SO glad for it to be over and to start my new phase in life, i will really miss it. Okay, not it. i can do without the tests, the stress, the sleep deprivation, the tears, the anger, the swears, the idiot professors. but i can honestly tell you that i love those 20 people that i get to see every week like we're best friends.
 

megan is so sweet. she makes me want to be better. jessica j is strong and really motivated. heather is hilarious with her off color comments. i love talking about asia with her. nicole is quietly funny and SO smart sometimes it makes me jealous. melissa is gorgeous and is super intelligent as well. karisa is a sweetheart. i'm glad we threw her a baby shower. jessica h is smart, beautiful, and is so sincere when we talk. julia is one of my favorite people on the planet. she inspires me to be a better member of society and i love how she compliments me every day. analisa has the cutest handwriting and is such a good learner. russell is quiet, but really actually quite funny. and he lets me bug him, which is a perk. james rocks. he is super funny and loves my hair bows. janette is nice and quiet, but does her best at everything she does. jackie is adorable and has the cutest laugh. brittany has so much energy and is so fun to listen to. annette is a sweet girl who is really SO funny and also makes me want to be better. daron is hilarious and i secretly (ok, not so secretly) love when he swears. he's passionate about nursing and it shows. cyndi is a strong woman and even though she's the oldest one of the bunch, i consider her my peer. i really look up to her. katie is so cute. even though she joined the group later, she fit right in and is so kind to absolutely everyone. cyann is one of my best friends. i love that she is so blunt and sincere. i'm so glad she is there to read my emotions and know how to help. and last, (and best of all), is Annalie. She's really my best friend in Cedar, and i rely on her for pretty much everything. she was there with me through crappy times, hears me complain when i fail validations, gets mad with me when when i lose 5 points on an assignment, laughs with me and at me while we study drug names, procrastinates with me, makes me sign up for half marathons, and is just ALWAYS there to help me. i love her so so much.

i made some of the best friends in nursing school. and when i get out of school, pass the NCLEX on the first try, and get my first job as an RN, it will all be worth it.

i love nursing. every day i learn more about what nurses do i know that it's the right path for me. i love caring about people, talking with people, learning about their lives, and helping them get better. gives me the warm fuzzies. it really is worth it.

can't wait.

Day 26

Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Well... To me "giving up on life" and wanting to commit suicide are different things in my mind. Just to clarify.

I think once in high school I thought about how sucky and lonely life was and the thought popped into my head that perphaps I should just die. Then I immediately thought it was crazy. I don't know how'd I even do it. Then I think about that commandment "thou shalt not kill" and I just laughed it off.

As for giving up on life, I have felt that quite a lot. To me that's when I want to just stop doing anything, stop working towards goals, stop dreaming, stop caring. I thought a lot about where I'm at in life just two days ago. And how I have different opinions of what it means to have a meaningful life compared to that of my friends.

I'm happy with my life. Mostly because when I pray I am constantly reassured that right now my life is where it needs to be and I'm doing everything I can to better it.

But other people have different opinions of what should make me happy. And I guess I'm tired of getting the pity looks from people and not being cared about. I'm sad that people ask me if I'm dating anyone and after I say no they stop asking about my life, as if any other events aren't able to bring me happiness.

Sometimes when I dwell on those opinions and compare lives with other people I feel like the view I have of my life is wrong and I just want to give up. But luckily I don't. And I didn't this week.

I still have many things in my life that bring me happiness. They just aren't husband or kid or boyfriend things. They're friend things and birthday party things and finding new people to flirt with things and getting a 3.7 GPA thing. And I understand that people dont really ask me those things. I wish they would.

Anyway, that was random and sort of off subject. But I wrote a 3 pages in my journal thing about it last night so this was all on my mind.

Enjoy.

Day 25

The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Don't really know, to be honest.

I always thought it would be cool to die on my mission. You know, direct to heaven. Haha.
But I guess, in my experience, God doesn't usually give me exactly what
I want. I'm pretty sure I'm going to die in some unexpected way.
Dan always says that he's going to kill me indirectly.

SO anyway... Answer to this one is that God wants me alive. So he can kill me later. Hahaha :)