day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for...

things i think i beat myself up for are about my friendships. the ones i worked so hard on and then because of circumstances or situations i let dwindle and become non-existent. i feel the most regret about not remembering people's birthdays or to call them back or to take time to see them when i'm in town. or just texting them once in a while. or allowing myself to think that they're just too busy to care if i talk to them or not.

so i need to forgive myself for forgetting.

i definitely don't do it on purpose. if i could stay good friends with every person i've been good friends with, i would. but...... is it possible? it's hard when they're all on to different places and things and interests. i don't know what to talk about with them anymore. "Yeah, i'm STILL in school and yeah, STILL not married. Thanks for asking."

i think the friendships i most regret letting slow down are my friendships with katherine, lacey, jeni, kris, kori, nicole creer, my sister, and sister mo.

some aren't my fault entirely, but some are.

i guess i'll just need to find a way to forgive myself.

day 2

something you love about yourself.

first off, after thinking about one thing i hate about myself i thought of a couple more things i hate about myself. that's depressing.

but this one is good. because

i love my sense of humor.

it makes awkward moments funny, boring days extraordinary, mad people happy, sad people smiling, boring subjects interesting, family gatherings enjoyable, and many many memories.

i realize i'm not the funniest person in the world. but i entertain myself. i'm good at lightening the mood and making people feel like their life doesn't suck as bad as they think it does.

or even my own life. when i take myself too seriously i just laugh at myself and it helps.

so i love that about me. <3

day 1

something i hate about myself.

not much that i hate about myself. i guess that's a good thing.
but......... i guess

i hate that i feel like i annoy people.

somedays i don't care if people thing i'm annoying. but others times i dwell on how i might have made someone feel uncomfortable or i'm too loud or i'm just way too outgoing sometimes for my own good.

i think most of all i hate feeling like the people i love so much and would do anything for think i'm annoying. i can think of about two times when i've been certain that my best friends didn't want to be around me any more because i was too annoying. at those times in my life i just wanted to hide under a rock and be someone else. it makes me feel terrible.

i don't feel annoying very often though. today i sort of do. i just hope its not the reason that some of my friendships fell apart.

Should I?

"30 Days of Truth"


Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life horrible, or treated you like crap.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Luigi

Currently I'm sitting on a couch in my friend's house. Her daughter, my favorite three year old in existence, is sleeping next to me. She doesn't know I'm here or that her mom left. I'm hoping she won't wake up. She does like me, but I'm pretty sure waking up to someone else in your house is not a pleasant thing.
I love this girl. She calls me Luigi. Because we play mario together all the time. Whenever I come over she asks me if I can play with her. She's better than me too. Which is embarrassing, but hey! Think of it as me building up a three year old's self esteem. I'm amazing.
Whenever its been a few days since I've been over to her house, her mom says that she cries for Luigi. She asks for me to come over. I'm pretty sure half of the time Cyann invites me over to her house is just so her daughter won't cry about it anymore. ha. But every time I leave she cries still. Last night she woke up in the middle of the night and asked her mom if I could come over right then. Last week she told her mom that I should just sleep on the couch so I would never have to go home. My favorite of all time is when she got her shots at the doctor's office and on the way home said, "Mom, I just want Luigi!" How sweet is she.
She came to my house a few weeks ago. And now she always asks me about my bunny. She liked touching him. She's so funny. I let her come up to my room to get something, and within that 30 seconds of being up there she found every single toy I have in my room. My stuffed giraffe, my silly bands, my board games, and my stuffed bear. She brought them all into our living room and played with them all night.
I don't really know what the point of this blog is. Except that I love this girl so much. She's the best. And I'm SO glad her mom and I are really great friends now.
I have some of the best friends in the whole entire world. I'm a lucky duck.
I'm a lucky Luigi.

p.s. she just woke up. and hasn't cried yet. :)

blue

sometimes i think that writing my thoughts and sending them out into the abiss makes me feel better. i like to write. but then this is writing with a chance that someone will read it. so it makes it better.

i hate life. i had a life break down last night at 12:30 after i got off of the phone with dan and sarah. cry.

i'm too busy. too stressed. and half of the time i don't take time to take it all in. i just let it happen. and freak out later. which was last night.

i hate nursing school. it's torturous at the moment. i want to hide. and light it on fire. and scream. and if i have to make another presentation i'm going to DIE. which i actually have to do. i think i'll end up making about 3 more.

i hate not having crazy fun times all the time. i want to go on a trip. or camping.

but whatever. i also hate complaining. so i guess i'll stop.




my fingernails are torquoise. and i like them....................

Today.

-I've been having WEIRD dreams lately. Last night was no different. I'll spare you the patheticness of my mind. Consider yourself lucky.
-It poured rain all night. And I loved sleeping to the sound of it. And waking up at 8 with the sky still being dark.
-This morning as I was getting breakfast for myself, I opened the fridge and tried to take out the carton of milk. One thing led to another and the milk shelf came crashing to the ground. I picked up the two gallons of milk and noticed that one of them had a crack in it and was spewing milk all over the floor. I had to think fast. I propped the milk up in a position that would slow the flow of milk to the ground. I figured out where my roommates kept the pitchers in the house. Then I poured the milk into a pitcher and put it back in the fridge. The pitcher wasn't big enough for the whole gallon of milk. So I had to pour all the rest in a large glass for me to drink for breakfast. I love milk, but wow, that was a lot to drink. After I explained what happened to a confused roommate, and she left, I poured the rest of the milk down the sink. I'm such a waster. Ah well. Made for a funny story to tell my nurse at clinical to break the ice.
-Clinical today was AWESOME. I went to a gynecologist's office. And figured out that there were only 3 appointments scheduled. So I spent a total of 1 hour actually helping patients, 3 hours doing homework, and was given a 2 hour lunch break. I also got let out early. But don't tell my teacher. :) The nurse I followed was AWESOME! She helped me do my assignment. And we laughed about how stupid they are. And how we get really good at "BS"ing things in nursing school. The doctor was awesome too. He gave me a pop quiz about pap smears. haha. And then talked to me about STDs and the tests they do to diagnose. And I guess the rumor of everyone having herpes is not true. It's only 1 in 5 people. I guess that only matters in my mind, but all I know is that last year when my teacher told us that everyone has herpes, I felt gross for weeks. haha.
-I can't get over how much I LOVE the rain. I was sitting on my couch after getting out of clinical early and looked out the window and wanted to go outside so much. But all the homework I had to do was on my computer. So I took my umbrella and a pillow and set up a fort outside. I brought out my computer and sat out there for two hours reading research articles and getting weird looks from the 50 people that passed by as I sat there. BEST idea ever.
-Except......... I got cold. So I went inside. And I'm FREEZING on my couch now. My toes are cold. My butt is cold. And I want some hot chocolate. But it's all the way in the kitchen. So that's idea's out. I'm trying to trap my body heat in the blanket to keep from losing my toes to frostbite. Still, umbrella fort= best idea ever.
-Today I start teaching swimming lessons for the preschool kids. It's a service thing I'm doing for free and I'm BEYOND excited! I can't wait to play games with the little 4 year olds. It brings me joy.
-I watched two episodes of Bones today. It's like my favorite show of the moment. Dr. Brennan is hilariously awkward. So of course I can relate to her. She's also a genius, which, DUH, I can relate to as well. Agent Booth is ridiculously attractive. WOW. It's a great show. Except I'm almost caught up to where it is on TV. So that'll bite when I don't have anything to distract me from homework anymore.
-I think too much. Especially when it rains. I think if I stopped thinking about certain things or people that I would stop having weird dreams and I would stop having weird mood swings. That would be good. Because I usually take those weird mood swings out on my best friend Dan. He never even deserves it either. He's the best best friend I've ever had. But anyway, I just wish I could stop thinking about certain things. Maybe in time....
-So.... I think I slept through Elder Packer's talk during conference this weekend. The one that lots of people are having so many opinions about. I'm going to listen to it after this. Well, I guess if I have the ambition to get off of the couch to find my headphones. But I believe the apostles. I guess this'll force me to really understand what I personally believe concerning gay people. That's a good thing.
-Did I mention it's still raining? ..........mmmmmm......... Love it.
That's my today.