day 5

Something you hope to do in your life.

Oh. There's lots that I want to do. Where to start....

1. Get married. I want that.
2. Have children.
3. Save someone's life.
4. Visit Korea again and even North Korea.
5. Keep learning Korean.
6. Learn another language. Like Japanese, Chinese, French, or Spanish.
7. Visit France.
8. Go to watch an Olympic swimming event.

These are what I think of first. I'm not sure if I really should only have one thing, so I guess if I had to choose one it would be to get married..

day 4

Something you have to forgive someone for.

the first thing that popped in my head is something i've been stuggling with for a while.
a while ago someone broke my trust. it was a really big blow to me and hurt me quite a lot. and although i didn't just give my trust back to this person (don't think i ever will again the way i had) i did get to the point where i could honestly say that i was okay with it.

the problem is that even though i forgave that person for breaking my trust, i never did forgive them for the way our friendship was affected.

i tried my hardest to keep our friendship going. i continued to invite them to hang out, texted them random things, tried to sit by them and talk to them when i was around them, and even called a couple times during the summer to hear about their life.

but they didn't put any effort into it anymore. what am i supposed to do about that? it's been so hard for me to lose this person as a good friend. now they are someone that i have only talked to once in the last 3 months.

i know i need to forgive this person for not putting any effort into our friendship. i don't know what they're thinking. maybe to them it's my fault. i don't know. but i need to forgive, don't i?

i know i'll get over it. i kind of just gave up a couple months ago. gave up contacting this person, seeing this person, even talking about this person. but i think it's time i stop trying to be a jerk and just be myself. if i want to put effort into it and they don't, then who cares. i'll do it anyway.

God will smile on me. and i need all the smiles i can get. :)

day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for...

things i think i beat myself up for are about my friendships. the ones i worked so hard on and then because of circumstances or situations i let dwindle and become non-existent. i feel the most regret about not remembering people's birthdays or to call them back or to take time to see them when i'm in town. or just texting them once in a while. or allowing myself to think that they're just too busy to care if i talk to them or not.

so i need to forgive myself for forgetting.

i definitely don't do it on purpose. if i could stay good friends with every person i've been good friends with, i would. but...... is it possible? it's hard when they're all on to different places and things and interests. i don't know what to talk about with them anymore. "Yeah, i'm STILL in school and yeah, STILL not married. Thanks for asking."

i think the friendships i most regret letting slow down are my friendships with katherine, lacey, jeni, kris, kori, nicole creer, my sister, and sister mo.

some aren't my fault entirely, but some are.

i guess i'll just need to find a way to forgive myself.

day 2

something you love about yourself.

first off, after thinking about one thing i hate about myself i thought of a couple more things i hate about myself. that's depressing.

but this one is good. because

i love my sense of humor.

it makes awkward moments funny, boring days extraordinary, mad people happy, sad people smiling, boring subjects interesting, family gatherings enjoyable, and many many memories.

i realize i'm not the funniest person in the world. but i entertain myself. i'm good at lightening the mood and making people feel like their life doesn't suck as bad as they think it does.

or even my own life. when i take myself too seriously i just laugh at myself and it helps.

so i love that about me. <3

day 1

something i hate about myself.

not much that i hate about myself. i guess that's a good thing.
but......... i guess

i hate that i feel like i annoy people.

somedays i don't care if people thing i'm annoying. but others times i dwell on how i might have made someone feel uncomfortable or i'm too loud or i'm just way too outgoing sometimes for my own good.

i think most of all i hate feeling like the people i love so much and would do anything for think i'm annoying. i can think of about two times when i've been certain that my best friends didn't want to be around me any more because i was too annoying. at those times in my life i just wanted to hide under a rock and be someone else. it makes me feel terrible.

i don't feel annoying very often though. today i sort of do. i just hope its not the reason that some of my friendships fell apart.

Should I?

"30 Days of Truth"


Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life horrible, or treated you like crap.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Luigi

Currently I'm sitting on a couch in my friend's house. Her daughter, my favorite three year old in existence, is sleeping next to me. She doesn't know I'm here or that her mom left. I'm hoping she won't wake up. She does like me, but I'm pretty sure waking up to someone else in your house is not a pleasant thing.
I love this girl. She calls me Luigi. Because we play mario together all the time. Whenever I come over she asks me if I can play with her. She's better than me too. Which is embarrassing, but hey! Think of it as me building up a three year old's self esteem. I'm amazing.
Whenever its been a few days since I've been over to her house, her mom says that she cries for Luigi. She asks for me to come over. I'm pretty sure half of the time Cyann invites me over to her house is just so her daughter won't cry about it anymore. ha. But every time I leave she cries still. Last night she woke up in the middle of the night and asked her mom if I could come over right then. Last week she told her mom that I should just sleep on the couch so I would never have to go home. My favorite of all time is when she got her shots at the doctor's office and on the way home said, "Mom, I just want Luigi!" How sweet is she.
She came to my house a few weeks ago. And now she always asks me about my bunny. She liked touching him. She's so funny. I let her come up to my room to get something, and within that 30 seconds of being up there she found every single toy I have in my room. My stuffed giraffe, my silly bands, my board games, and my stuffed bear. She brought them all into our living room and played with them all night.
I don't really know what the point of this blog is. Except that I love this girl so much. She's the best. And I'm SO glad her mom and I are really great friends now.
I have some of the best friends in the whole entire world. I'm a lucky duck.
I'm a lucky Luigi.

p.s. she just woke up. and hasn't cried yet. :)