glimpse

Yesterday I started talking to one of my patients.

He’s LDS and our past conversations led him to understand that I was LDS as well. I tend not to give a lot of personal information about myself to my patients. You never know, you know? But he learned this and we had a connection.

He had a rough day. But I’ll be darned if he didn’t smile genuinely every time I walked into the room.

We were talking when I gave him his pills just before dinner. I had only 45 more minutes of working and I just wanted to go home. I wanted to leave the room quickly and just get things done. But I knew that I was his favorite nurse and so I stayed in the room to talk to him.

He told me how much he appreciated me. And explained how I light up the room when I walk in.

I don’t know how to respond to such amazing compliments as that. So I just deflected and told him how much I appreciated his words and his positive attitude. It really is a pleasure to have patients like him.

He stated, “I’m just trying to live how the Savior taught and would have us live.”

He said "us." It didn't mean "members of the church." It meant him and me.

I got caught off guard. He put me in a category with himself. I thought about how strong he must be. To go through all that he’s gone through: Divorce, remarrying, putting his wife in a nursing home, moving all over the country, living with diseases, and having a 5 bypass surgery. And yet every other thing he says glorifies God and all of his blessings. And he put me in a category with himself.

I’ve been in a place lately where I feel like I’m not doing anything right. And it was as if he opened up the spiritual door that I have closed when he verbalized his motto in life. When he invited the Savior and his teachings into our conversation.

Again, he said that I have a light and a spirit about me. He said righteous people light the world from inside out. He said he could see that in me and in the way I treat everyone.

Part of me wanted to stop him and tell him how I haven’t been to church in a few weeks, how I hate my ward, how sometimes I swear, watch rated R movies, think bad about Provo Mormons, wish I didn’t have to go to church,  how I don’t read my scriptures often enough, don’t write in my journal, how I don’t pray enough, I’m ungrateful, my temple recommend is expired, I don’t even want to go to the temple some days, and how terrible of a person I feel like all the time.

But I listened. And wow. He took all my words away. I couldn’t even reply to all the wonderful things he was saying about me.

I forgot about all the good things about me. But for those five minutes that I stayed in his room I got a glimpse again.

fire

I guess it has been a while.
Sometimes I think about things to blog about. But then I never do it. Or then I think about the topic and think, "that's too depressing," or, "that's too happy," or, "who cares about that?"
I don't want to come across as anything less or more than what I am. I'm not depressed, I'm not super happy, and sometimes I think about things that probably don't matter. But that's me. So I can be allowed to write about whatever I want to.
Some things I've started to write about but never finished:

1. One of my favorite scripture stories is in 1 Nephi chapter 17 in the Book of Mormon. God leads Nephi's family into the middle of nowhere and has them do a bunch of things that they would never even dream of doing before or being able to do. Like in this chapter, God tells Nephi to build a boat so his family can go across the ocean to South America.
Seems pretty crazy. And I'm sure Nephi thought so too. God shows him how to build it, where to get the stuff for the tools and materials. And then Nephi has to start. He had everything he needs because God has been providing except for one little thing. FIRE. He doesn't have fire!! He never needed it! God was his light in the darkness, his warmth, made his meat sweet so they didn't have to cook.... So He explaining that for 5 verses, and Nephi says, "I rubbed two rocks together." He made fire. And I'm sure it was a pretty difficult task for him, considering that he spent 5 verses talking about it. He wouldn't have mentioned it if it were easy to come by.
Sometimes I feel like that. I feel like I can easily make really BIG changes in my life because God gives me very specific answers. Move here, work here, study this, go here, meet this person, don't do that. I can handle the really big changes pretty well because I have faith that God knows way better than me.
But then sometimes he leaves me up to my own devices, and I'm halfway through something that He led me to and I realize that I don't have something simple, like fire. I never needed it.
I'm missing fire in my life right now. I've got everything else except the fire. I guess it's time to rub two rocks together.

2. Sometimes people suck. Or they make you feel like you suck.
I'm one of the coolest people I know. Some days it is really apparent to me why I'm so awesome. But some days I have to remind myself why I am. And you know what? The people I tend to associate with lately make me rethink why I'm awesome all the time. And that sucks!
Who wants to constantly have to prove to other people that you have redeeming qualities? That your opinions are sound and that you're smart and funny? Who would like to stand around in a group and have to brag about yourself to make yourself feel good or liked??
More and more I find myself keeping quiet. I hate braggers. I don't want to be one. I know why I'm awesome, but I don't need to list all the reasons for these people just so they can like me.

3. I really want to go to Paris.

4. My ex-best friend got engaged and didn't tell me. I'm scared to death that it's because he hates me or his fiance hates me. I can't think of a single reason why they would. It haunts my dreams, makes me sad, distracts me at work, makes me sick, and makes me so angry.
I feel like this whole experience has caused me to distance myself from other friends that I have.
I wish I could just move on and be happy and forget about this. And I'm sure one day I will. But it hurts so much NOW.

5. I really have the best family in the world. I think I hang out with them too much.
Is there such thing as too much??
I just love them all.

Those would have been great blog topics, right?