Obsessed

I found an obsession. 

In a million years I didn't think I would ever get obsessed with running. Wait, a billion years. 

Running and I have never been friends. We've been enemies since I can remember. Those mile runs in elementary school around the playground, playing soccer and the coach making us run a few laps around the field, running drills in basketball. "Fun runs" in jr high. So I picked swimming, a sport that didn't require any running. Until high school, when our team captains loved to torture us with runs. 

I think the farthest I ever ran and pushed myself in high school was a quarter mile. It was an "Indian run" that nearly made me throw up. 

I had knee problems in high school with swimming and so I didn't have to run anymore my senior year. I still worked hard at swimming and swam at state. But I was always so sad that I could never run.

My dad became obsessed with running in 2002 or so. His midlife crisis. Suddenly he was a trail runner and ran crazy distances. I thought he was crazy. I would mention it to friends and people I knew and they were amazed. Sometimes I even met people who read his blog and treated him like some sort of running celebrity.

In college I wanted to try running again. I signed up for the ROTC class and quickly learned that is was possible to throw up while you run. It was hard. I was embarrassed. So I bought a gym pass and tried to work out a couple more times a week in preparation for the Friday runs. I still couldn't do it and I knew I would fail the class, so I dropped out. I failed. It was depressing.

During nursing school, Annalie and I took up running for a bit but started out doing too much too soon and so I hurt my knees and stopped running. I had gotten to the point where I could say that I actually liked to run. But then it was too hard to start up again.

This last October, Annalie and I went to the Pony Express Trail 50 and 100 that my dad puts on. It was fun times camping and cheering. But we were sitting at the finish while people older than us were finishing 50 mile runs. It was inspiring to see how accomplished they felt afterwards and to see their determination. 

Annalie and I joked about running 50 next year. And in the middle of our joking it became a reality and the next week we laced up our shoes and headed out the door, running 45 second intervals to get us up to 10 minutes only four weeks later. 

Now that I have some specific goals and races in mind, like a 5K in a week and a half marathon in June. And of course, the 50 in October. I am obsessed with motivation for racing.

I live and breathe motivation. I'm not sure if its because I'm terrified of not accomplishing my goals. I really want this more than I've wanted anything in a long time. And failing is just not an option. I am not going to get this excited about something and start out with this much momentum and then quit or get set back or fail. I cannot do that. It would be the worst thing. 

I want to run. I want to keep running. I want to be a runner for good. This could be the best thing that has ever happened to me. It feels amazing.

So I'm obsessed. I have to be. I'm so happy at my progress and can't wait to keep going.

October

The month of October has been one of the most busy and stressful months of my life in a long long time.
And it's still going strong with the stress.

Swarley. My new friend.

I bought a new computer. It's amazing and it has been a great purchase. It's helped me rediscover the amazingness of the internet. I've been able to blog again, look at pictures I've taken over the last year, and pay my bills on time. So, pretty much a priceless purchase.

I got in a car accident on October 5th. i was with my friend Ashley Baugh from when I worked at the pool. We decided to finally hang out since it had been like 8 months. And we went to a haunted house. That was actually quite fun, more fun than I thought I would have there.
Afterwards, I was driving in Salt Lake trying to figure out how to get on the freeway, when I was turning left and realized, too late, that I didn't have a green arrow or the right of way and there were 3 lanes of traffic headed straight towards me.
I heard honking, and the next thing I knew, someone had it the passenger side of my car. The first thing I thought was "Not my pretty new car!" 
The next thing I knew, I was staring out of my windshield, the windshield wipers were all on, and Ashley was sitting there, not saying anything, with the airbags inflated around her.
I asked over and over if she was okay. She didn't answer at first, probably shock. We got out of the car and figured out that we were okay. The other car was okay too. No injuries. 
The rest of the night is a blur. It was awkward not knowing what to do or who to talk to or what to do with my car. I hated standing there, knowing it was my fault, and trying to figure it all out. Ashley called her family, and they all came to help. The nicest people on the planet. Seriously.
I finally called my mom back after telling her it happened and hanging up a minute later. She handed the phone to my dad and he talked me through what I'll need to do with my car. 

During the surgery. Poor thing.

That's when I started to cry. I don't really know why. Adrenaline wearing off, gratitude that my dad was being so nice, thankful that it wasn't too bad, and annoyance at the police officers for being so unhelpful.
So that was that night. 
My poor car had been sick and in the hospital for almost 32 days. I guess it was close to being called a total loss, but by a miracle, everything was fixable and my car looks as good as new. It was amazing getting my car back. I missed her.
It really was terrible getting in a car accident. I don't recommend it. I feel stupid, most of all, for the momentary lapse of brain function that must have happened to have this happen in the first place. I am a save driver. I keep thinking that Dan would probably be kicking himself because he taught me better. Mr. Safe-driver. I hope he never finds out this happened.
But I'm so grateful that if I HAD to get in an accident, it happened like it did. No one was hurt. There was no screaming, yelling, or crying (until I cried). I got a ticket, but that's paid off. My car was repaired. And my insurance company has been really great with everything. 

Another thing. You know how I don't love my job. Well, I don't hate it. I'm just sick of it and need a change. Well, the count for job applications is up in the 30's and I finally got a call on a job and a job interview at Primary Children's Medical Center in the OR.
It was such a dream come true. They called on a Thursday, the interview was set up on Monday, and on Tuesday I was nervously waiting in the nurse's lounge for my interview.
I think it went well. I think back on it and replay it in my head and there's not much I would change. I think I did a good job selling myself and letting him know what I was really like and that I would be a good fit. But then I waited a week (that's what they said to do) and I called to bug them a few times, and I still haven't heard anything either way. I'm just going to call it a loss now, but mark my words: one day I will work in the OR at Primary Children's. Just the things he said about the job and the atmosphere of the place let me know that this could definitely be my dream job.
In the mean time, work really hasn't been bad at all. My new manager has made things a billion times better, I feel like I've learned a ton and keep learning, and most of my co-workers are awesome. 

In church news, I was finally able to go to church in October after not being there since the beginning of September. I got a calling on the activities committee of our ward. Kind of a new experience for me, but I'm sure it will be good. I also was asked to speak that Sunday (the one Sunday I got to go to church in October). I did a good job, I hope. I really enjoyed speaking and that people know who I am now.

The next Sunday I worked, and by some small miracle, I got off work 10 minutes earlier than normal. I wanted to get home to my parent's house because my family was there and I like to see them. But in my slightly excited state, I drove too fast and got pulled over. I can't catch a break. I got a speeding ticket. The first once in almost 10 years of driving. I had to pay even more money for it and take traffic school online. Now that I've been educated, you can bet I'm the safest driver in the world now. You know the kind; they completely stop at intersections even when no one is there, they never run yellow lights, they go a little bit below the speed limit. So yeah, I've now aged 50 years and have even MORE anxiety when I drive.

I got to tell you, all of these stressful things were hard to deal with, but what kept me going was knowing that I was going on a trip to NYC the first weekend of November. I was excited. I kept thinking about riding in a plane, seeing Broadway plays, and eating good food in Korea town! I told everyone I knew about this trip. I was so excited.
And then....
Sandy.
That b*#@!. She wrecked the whole East Coast. I feel so bad for everyone that was effected. I was following the damage closely on the news. And then, the morning before we were going to leave, we officially found out that our flight was cancelled. So that went out the window.
We ended up going to the Grand Canyon. That was interesting and exciting. I'll write about that later.

Dad and Kevin at the race.

To combat the stress? Annalie and I took up running again. I haven't seriously ran in over two years. And when I did for a little while, it only last a few weeks until my knees hurt. But this time, I got a knee brace, made a plan, and we've stuck to it for 4 weeks now. I can now run a mile. I'm really excited about it. It feels great.

We decided to start running again after we went and watched my dad's race, the Pony Express trail run 2012. My brother Kevin ran 50 miles. And it is just inspiring to see so many people run for hours and hours on end. I would love to be able to do that. I'm not saying that I will for sure run a 50 mile race anytime soon, but I would love to be able to head out my door and run where I wanted to go. Plus, free therapy and stress relief. 


Well, this was all around just a weird month. Bad and worse and a little bit of good too. I'm glad it's over and that I can move on. One day I'll be grateful for these experiences. I always wonder why things don't work out the way I planned them to. It's frustrating. Especially when I feel like my life has always been exactly opposite of what I have planned. But one day, I'm sure, it will all work out and I'll know the why behind everything.

i like things.

i had a lot of fun at work yesterday. which is so good. guess what, everyone? i like my job. a month or so ago i would have only been able to say, "i don't HATE it." but now i like it. and yesterday i really liked it. it was a slow day. like, i had to think of things to do for a couple hours because nothing was happening. it was great. i got to talk to patients, check on them more often, assess like i learned in school, and just feel like a nurse. some days i just feel like a drug dealer. and some of my co-workers are so funny and awesome! and it helps that the CNAs keep telling me that i'm one of their favorite nurses to work with. life is good in that department for now. i'm happy i like it.

my visiting teachers are incredible. they're my first set that has actually visited me, so they earn points there. but they go beyond that. they text me all the time, seek me out at church to talk to me and ask me how i am, listen to and remember everything i tell them, visit randomly just because, and bring me cupcakes. on sunday, after one of my friends had to leave church, one of my visiting teachers switched rows to sit by me so i wasn't alone. it was so nice of her. makes me feel super loved. and on tuesday, they brought me dinner. and not just any dinner, cafe rio's pork salad. yeah. they're that amazing. i just love them.

my nephews are the cutest kids around. camden is goofy and funny. kent is adorable and squirmy. and i get to have a new nephew or niece come april! yay yay yay! plus, cyann found out she's having a girl. so in february i get a new sort of niece, like lily. i'm so excited! little children are the best.

i've been having so many dreams about korea lately. it's good and bad. good, because i still feel connected to it and like it was real. bad, because part of me thinks i'll never get to go back there. or if i do, it will just be a sad disappointing trip, realizing that things are not the same. i'm seriously trying to save money to go to korea next year in the fall. i really really want to. and some days the thought of saving money for that trip is what i need to wake up in the morning and go to work. but then i remember about paying off student loans and how chester (my car) is not going to live forever and that i need to get a phone plan soon. and money seems like it doesn't grow on trees anymore. sometimes i think life was easier when i was super poor and didn't even think about spending money.

i think i'm a good friend. not to toot my own horn, or anything, but i think i've been handling some things pretty well lately. and although sometimes i'm forgetful and don't keep in touch with everyone i want to keep in touch with, just know that i think about you all ALL the time and i pray for my friends.

i get to go to cedar tomorrow. for about 24 hours. then come back to work for 4 days. then go to cedar again for a longer trip. i miss cedar SO MUCH! i always knew that i wouldn't be able to live there forever but sometimes, especially now because it's fall, i miss campus SO much. i miss walking through the leaves. i miss buying hot chocolate in the sharwan smith center with cy and annalie. i miss the weird parades and things that cedar does almost every weekend. and i miss how small and quiet it can be down there. but i get to visit soon. and i'm so excited.

provo is beautiful though. i hate to admit it, because i seriously thought it would be the last thing i would EVER think, but i like it here. i like the pretty trees, the closeness of the mountains, the nearness of my family, my ward, the new friends i'm making, having more than 3 grocery stores to choose from. it's nice.

the good news, though, is that i definitely do not run the risk of catching provo face anymore. i'm almost 25. and that's almost being a menace. provo face is more of an 18-21 year old thing. so i dodged that bullet. too bad for my sister though... caught it and never could quite shake it. :)

eh. life is good.

ch-ch-ch-ch changes!

well.... things are changing for mindy's life. i just can't believe how fast it all changed and came together.

the last time i was home visiting i got a feeling like i should move home soon. because i was running out of money and because i needed to get serious about getting a job somewhere. i wasn't too excited about the whole idea, but it felt right. and what can you do when it feels right? putting off the inevitable, i told myself that i would go home for a bit (lowy's baby was coming any day), try to look for a job, and a place to live, then go back to cedar for a bit and finally move.

well, i told sarah, my lovely friend, that i was going to move home soon and she freaked out with excitement and told me to move in with her. it sounded too good to be true! i looked it up, talked to my parent's about it, and set up a time to see it. i visited, knew it would be AWESOME to move there, and applied.

then i thought, "oh crap. i can't commit to living in provo if i don't even have a job."

so i got on the interwebs one night and researched places to apply and beg for jobs. the last thing i did that night was check out a website i had applied to jobs a few months before. there was a job opening in American Fork. I apllied there before, and was rejected. so this time I just applied to apply, without getting my hopes up.

The next morning I was called for an interview. I was SO excited about that. all weekend i thought about what to say, what to wear, and how awesome it would be to have a job so close to provo and my family.

monday came and i went to my interview, quite nervous but feeling pretty good. i walked into the interview and they literally asked me about 3 things and then began to explain the job to me. they talked about weird and forgein things, but i smiled and nodded and asked a few questions. two hours later they called me back. i had gotten the job! i started the next day!

it all came together. the place, the job, my plans. i'm grateful that i at least have an idea of what my life is going to be like for the near future. and, just as expected, it seems silly now that i ever worried myself sick about all of it.

i've worked 4 shifts so far. it's overwhelming, hard, tiring, and crazy. i don't hate it. but i don't love it yet either. i think just being new and not knowing what to do is freaking me out a lot. i want to be comfortable there, but it'll just take time i suppose. i hope.

anyway, i'm a working girl now. pretty soon i will not be in poverty anymore. so that's a plus.

i still need to go to cedar to move my stuff...... that'll be this weekend's task.

brain thoughts

I'm an RN!!!

I don't think I'll ever tire of saying that. I'm so excited that I accomplished this.

Now I get to figure out life. You know, beg for jobs, figure out where I should live, and see what life's next adventures will bring. It's been confusing. Part of me has an idea of this great life that I can start soon. I get excited about it and plan for it and feel good about it. But then I have a second thought and a whole other plan creeps up and takes hold. Then I plan and fantasize and think. And it happens again. I wish I could see the future.

I'm really glad I got to go to the temple on Saturday. It was needed. I don't know how else to put it. I've been having some sad days lately. Sometimes I need the temple to help me get the sad out and sort through my feelings and thoughts so I can breathe again. Maybe it is terrible of me, but I could hardly pay attention. My thoughts were racing and piling up so quickly that I had to sort through them while I was there. It took all that I had in me not to freak out about the amount of thoughts and emotions that were going through my head. This makes me sound weird. But I am. I don't think I figured anything out 100%. But I came to understand a few things that I should probably do. Ugh........ I'm SO vague. Let's just say life isn't totally happy yet, but I have a few ideas on how to make it a little bit brighter.

Ever since I bought my "boat" I have dreams about going out to some lake somewhere and just rowing across for hours. Seriously. I'll just row and row to the sound of the breeze and birds. I'm alone. And it's so peaceful. I don't think I've been this excited about something I've purchased in a long long time.

I went to Lagoon with Annalie's family and my brother Connor on Friday. I really liked it. And really liked hanging out with my little brother. He reminds me so much of Ryan when he was younger. And I love hanging out with Ryan. So it was a lot of fun. It made me miss Ryan.

I added a list on the side bar of my blog. It's my summer to do list. I figure if I write it down and tell people about it then they can remind me to work on it. Especially all those goals that involve running. I really did get to a point once where I liked it a lot. Then that point faded and was replaced with loathing again. Anyway, these goals will happen. I'm sure of it.

I listened to all of my brother Davy's podcasts. It's called desert bears. Find it on itunes. Him and his friends are hilarious. I think they talk about nerdy things but some of them are really funny. It just reminds me of the fact that I have 4 of the most hilarious, awesome, and cool brothers in the world. Oh. Make that 5. Because my brother-in-law is awesome too.

Today in church a lady who was my young woman leader back when I was 14 commented on how well I have grown up. She said, "If only we knew then where your life would have taken you now, you would have been so excited!" I just kept thinking about that. And I really think I would have been excited. I'm really glad I'm not the same person I was in high school. My sister and I talked about that yesterday. We're totally different. And so much better. Like an upgraded version of myself. What a relief to know that I don't have to be the same. Sometimes change is the best thing.

I guess that's about it. I'm pretty sure all my blog posts are lame for those of you who actually read them. I really find these posts when I can just spew out my brain thoughts to be therapeutic. So... you can bet there will be more. My apologies.

summer?

i wish that my life was more interesting.

but summer started.
i guess it officially started after i got back from my graduation ceremony on saturday night. my family came in the house, said goodbye, and got on the road to head home 5 minutes later. my mom did slip me a 20 and told me to go out to dinner. 
okay....
brittni and i had my post graduation dinner at the thai place over by walmart. it was SO good. we got a 7 on the scale of 1-10 spicy-ness. and then decided next time we should ask for a 10. Maybe 11??
hmmm....
church is now at 11. it's nice. i had some weird dream sunday morning about me seeing a psychiatrist about my life depression problems and i couldn't remember ever meeting him. but he prescribed me a benzodiazapine and an SSRI, so i guess it was serious.

maybe the universe is telling me that i have problems. and need drugs.
relief society is so ridiculous lately. no offense to anyone who actually can feel the spirit after 20 minutes of "tell us why you should brag about your life" minute or "what stupid thing can you pretend was a miracle" moment. brittni and i took a walk before relief soceity to avoid the nonsense. but 20 minutes later, when we sat down, they were just starting the announcements.
this week our walk will be 30 minutes long.
i had plans of riding my bike a lot this week. but the weather thought otherwise. i took a walk in the snow on monday. got so cold that i had to sit in a blanket for a while afterwards. yesterday it was rain. today it's just cold.
i just want to camp every day of my life.
i don't know if i'm ready to be a grown up. i guess my college degree says i am. i wish i could just stay where i am for the summer. just 4 months. that's not a long time. i also wish that i won't run out of money.
so i guess i'm wishing for a miracle.

hmm.
gross.

Graduation time!

I can't believe that it's finally time to graduate. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't fantastically excited about moving on and getting  into this next phase of life.

As of now I don't really have a plan for what I'm doing. (Scarier for me than for you, I assure you.) When people ask I tell them that I'm staying in Cedar for a while. (Don't really know how long.) I'm staying at least for the month of May so that I can study for the NCLEX (scary nursing boards) with classmmates and not be distracted by moving and family and things. Plus, May is a good time of year to go camping. And I'm pretty sure I'll get a lot of studying done when I go camping. Then I'll take my test. (I won't know what day I can take it for another week or so. I'm hoping in a few weeks.) And then I'll beg for a job somewhere. For now I think I should try to stay in Utah. But that means anywhere in Utah. I'm considering it all. Or I've even looked at Arizona. Just keeping my options open. I could really do anything and go anywhere at this point. Kind of scary. But exciting.

All in all, I CAN'T WAIT to be a nurse. I love it so much!