Talk

(This is a talk I gave in church this summer.)

I want to talk about how the Book of Mormon has changed my life.

More specifically, how the Book of Mormon has changed my life in the last 3 months.

I first read the Book of Mormon as a 9th grader. It was the Book of Mormon year in seminary and I was very diligent with my scripture reading. When I finished, I prayed to know if it was true or not. And I got this feeling that said, “You know it’s true Mindy. Why do you even have to ask?” I knew it was true. I’m so glad I got that confirmation at such a young age. It has helped guide and influence my life. It’s changed my life.

I’ve read the Book of Mormon a few more times. A couple before my mission, and then quite a few times on my mission. It was so simple to study the scriptures as a missionary. It was easy to apply it to my life and to my investigators. I fell in love with the stories and made goals to keep reading and studying when I got home. I would NOT be one of those missionaries who got “too busy” to study.

But then I got too busy to study. School, work, dating, friends, sleep. It all got in the way. I tried off and on to study my scriptures and set a time to do so. But I couldn’t wake up early; I was already getting up so early for school and work! And I couldn’t do it at night because I was so exhausted. I even tried to do it during my lunch break for a while, until my co-workers were so fun to talk to. Excuses and justifications made it okay. My scripture reading was sporatic for days, weeks, months, and then years.

And that’s where I was at 3 months ago. I sat there listening to General Conference and felt guilty for not reading my scriptures or making a plan to change.

Then I saw something online outlining a Book of Mormon reading schedules that would start April 7th to June 30th. I said, “Why not?” and started reading that day.

I made a few goals to go along with this challenge. #1 would be that I would stay on schedule. I knew that I would miss a few days here and there because I knew myself. But I told myself I would catch up so that by the end of the week I would always be right on target. And my #2 goal was to apply the scriptures to my life.

Like I said, it was simple to apply them to my life while I was a missionary. So I wanted to really try to apply it to my life now, as a single, working adult with really lame problems. At least I think they’re lame. But luckily, God loves me and he really helps me.

With that, I want to share a few experiences and scriptures that have greatly helped me these last 3 months.

First relates to the temple.

Mosiah 2:6 And they pitched their tents round about the temple, every man having his tent with the door thereof towards the temple,that thereby they might remain in their tents and hear the words which king Benjamin should speak unto them;

I love this visual. The symbolism is so vivid how these people pitched their tents with their doors towards the temple. A temple centered people.

Temple attendance was one of my new year’s goals that I made this year. I want to go at least once a month this year. Of course, three months ago, when I started this reading and read this chapter, my recommend has expired because I had become too busy to make the appointments to renew it.

I made an appointment with my bishop for the sunday after our stake conference meeting. I mention stake conference because my roommate was working and it would have been really tempting to not go that day. But I’m so glad that I did.

The talks at stake conference were about family history work and temple work. It wasn’t hard to see just what the Lord needed me to learn that week. What really hit me though, was when the temple president for the JRTemple got up to speak and told us to ask our bishops about becoming a temple worker if we could.

I had NO IDEA you could ASK to do that! Before I even knew it, I asked the bishop at my interview if that could be something I could do. We filled out the paper work, and a few weeks later I was called. I get to start as a temple worker at the SLC temple in August. I’m so grateful and SO excited for this new calling in my life.

The next experience I want to share is about temporal things.

I first want to share this scripture.

"Mormon 5: 23  Know ye not that ye are in the hands of God? Know ye not that he hath all power, and at his great command the earth shall be rolled together as a scroll?"

It helps remind me that I am in the hands of god. I’ve always been so happy about that, because I feel like, if left on my own, I would make a lot of crazy choices and mistakes.

One more temporal thing I had on my mind was whether or not to move. It was one of the questions I had pondered about when listening to general conference. But I felt like I never got a really great answer. I continued to pray about it.

One day I talked about it with my roommate. Our contract would be up soon and I wanted to know what she thought. If we should extend the contract, try to find somewhere else to live, or become homeless. We talked it over and at the end of the conversation we had just deicded to stay put where we were. I felt okay about it.  

I thought of this scripture:

"Mosiah 2:41  And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it."

I knew that God always helps me know when I’ve made a wrong decision. And apparently I did make the wrong decision. Because that same night, not but 2 hours after our conversation, my friend Lynsie texted me and asked, “Are you by chance looking for a place to live?”

It was WAY too coincidental to ever think it was actually a coincidence. I know that God was answering my prayers. That week we talked about it, looked at the house, felt really good about it, and by friday were packing our house to move in just under 3 weeks. It all came together so fast. I’m so grateful the Lord blesses us. And I know he blessed us because I was reading my scriptures.

I think more than anything, reading my scriptures has helped me be more sensitive to the spirit.

3 Nephi 22:"13  And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children."

I find so much peace from the teachings of the Lord. The week I was reading in Nephi 9 about the plan of salvation was the week of Easter. And it really helped me have one of the best Easters of my life.

2Nephi 9:13- "O how great the plan of our God!"

This is what I wrote in my journal about Easter this year-

This last week, It was Easter. Each day this week in addition to reading the Book of Mormon, I tried to read a conference talk that would go along with each event in the Holy Week. Palm Sunday, the sacrament, the great atonement, the crucifixion, and resurrection.

Saturday night I was cancelled for work. It was an Easter Miracle. I was able to sleep that night and wake up at 7am and go on a walk. I listened to a talk by our Prophet, called "He is Risen." It was amazing. I sat and looked out over a park and just had this overwhelming feeling of love and peace and purpose. I am so grateful for the Atonement and for my Savior, Jesus Christ, who suffered for my sins so that I can return to live with my Heavenly Father. He loves me. He loves the world. He gave his life for me. And he broke the bands of death that bound everyone, to make it possible for us to live again. It truly is a miracle and something so amazing. I can hardly put in to words how I feel.

My heart was so full that Easter Sunday. I went to church and sang in the choir, songs of Christ and grattiude and praise. It was lovely to sing my testimony. I always love to. But it was extra special that day. I listened to the great words and pondered the love Christ has for everyone. I teared up in church. Doesn't happen often, but I did.

My heart was truly full. And I know it's because I have been reading my scriptures regularly. I know it.

It's such a blessing to have better understanding of the gospel.

I love this feeling. And I can't wait until I have read for 3 and 4 and 5 weeks and 6 months and a year and my life. That's what I want.

Because I became more sensitive to the spirit, I had a few experiences where I got to be a tool in God’s hand to help his children. I was in the right places at the right times.

"Mosiah 5:13  For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart?"

Ether 4:11 But he that believeth these things which I have spoken, him will I visit with the manifestations of my Spirit, and he shall know and bear record. For because of my Spirit he shall know that these things are true; for it persuadeth men to do good.

1 Nephi 4:6- I was led by the spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.

This first experience is a little strange. But the more I’ve pondered it, the more I just KNOW that it was God’s will.

It’s a strange experience because it started out with me just being bored and home alone one Wednesday afternoon. I didn’t know what to do with myself because all my roomies were gone. I thought about my options and decided to go to seven peaks. That, in itself, is not strange. I love swimming and love water parks, mostly because I was a lifeguard all through high school and college and I like to be a creeper and watch the lifeguards and critique them. The weird thing was going by myself. It’s super weird to go to a water park by yourself. But I packed up, drove over, and before I knew it I was walking around all alone, just soaking in the sun.

I swam in a few of the pools and decided just to walk around a bit and scope out the kiddie areas so I knew where to bring my nephews when they came with me. I decided to take my awkwardness to a new level and actually get into the kiddie pool and just sit for a while. I felt weird. But it was fun. As I was exiting the pool, for some strange reason I really can’t explain, I turned to look back at one particular area of the swimming pool and there, with her eyes wide and head under water, was a little girl, clearly drowning.

Before I even knew it, I jumped over a wall, swam to her, and scooped her up in my arms. She coughed and cried and I found her dad, handed her over, and then walked out of the pool.

It was just too coincidental. I thought about that experience over and over again the next few days and it’s become a very special thing to me. I couldn’t stop thinking About how I was the one person that was at the right place at the right time with the right knowledge to save her. I don't know what would have happened had I not been there. I honestly don't know if another adult would have walked by. I don't know if the lifeguard would have seen her soon enough because she was at the other end of the pool in the water. But something told me to look back and I saw her.

From my journal:

I feel like I was an instrument in God's hands that day. From deciding to randomly go to a water park by myself for just an hour or two. From deciding to be weird and walk through the kiddie area by myself. To me looking back at the pool for some reason. It's all just so coincidental. I know and feel that it's not a coincidence.

I am so happy with my life lately. I feel closer to the spirit than I have been in a long time. I'm praying, I'm going to church, I'm going to the temple, I'm reading and loving reading my scriptures. I'm finding personal insights. If all this means that God knew that he could use me to save a life of one of his daughters, then I am honored. I'm so grateful that he trusted me enough to give me such an important task that day. Because the more I ponder on this experience, the more I realize that it couldn't be just a chance happening. It was meant to be.

Another experience of being at the right place at the right time happened just this week.

I thought a lot about our lesson we had in relief society about family history work that we had last sunday and decided on Tuesday morning to go to the temple. I planned to do initiatories. I took out my family names and tried to pick out which ones to do.

I’m not sure if any of you feel this immense pressure when picking which names to do when you go through the temple, but I always do. It’s like I’m picking and choosing who to save that day. Always makes me stressed out. So I decided to pick a few names that were sisters. I found a group of 4 sisters to do and got excited, but realized that all but one had been baptised. One sister was not yet a member! So I let that stress help me decide to do baptisms, confirmations, AND inititories that day.

I’m so glad I did. The spirit I felt was overwhelming. But while I was sitting at the font, ready to be baptized, the sister in front of me had a few names she was doing for someone in her ward, and they were in a weird symbolly language. I got really nosey and stood up to look at the cards, and sure enough, they were in Korean. And I speak Korean! So I helped them pronounce the names as they were doing the work for them. I felt like God was making sure that those Korean sisters were thought of and important. It was truly special.

Guys, the Book of Mormon changed my life these last 3 months. I was able to finish it this morning and just say a prayer of gratitude for just how applicable the teachings have been to my life now.

I truly know what Pres Hinkley said is true.

President Hinkley in 2005,

Without reservation I promise you that if each of you will [read the Book of Mormon], regardless of how many times you previously may have read the Book of Mormon, there will come into your lives and into your homes an added measure of the Spirit of the Lord, a strengthened resolution to walk in obedience to His commandments, and a stronger testimony of the living reality of the Son of God.

I know that the Book of Mormon is truly for our day.

President Ezra Taft Benson declared in a general conference, “The Book of Mormon … was written for our day. The Nephites never had the book; neither did the Lamanites of ancient times. It was meant for us.”

President Hinckley said- “In its descriptions of the problems of today’s society, [the Book of Mormon] is as current as the morning newspaper, and much more definitive,”

Mormon 8:35 Behold, I speak unto you as if ye were present, and yet ye are not. But behold, Jesus Christ hath shown you unto me, and I know your doing.

I don’t claim to be “cured” of all of my excuses to not read the scriptures. I am not perfect

at applying the lessons. But I’ve tried and I’ve seen amazing things.

It is my hope that we will all read the scriptures and try to find ways they can apply to our  lives today. Whether that life be in school, work, unemployment, sadness, happiness, singleness, darkness, or bright light. The Book of Mormon is for us.

The Sacred Grove

On Friday, June 21st, I visited the Sacred Grove with my mom, my sister, and my nephew.

The first time I visited the Sacred Grove was when I was 14 years old. The same age that Joseph Smith was when he went into the grove to pray and saw God the Father and Jesus Christ. 

I've thought back on my experience quite a bit through the last 12 years. I had always wished that it had meant more to me. I remember walking around the trees and thinking, "Wow, God was here once." It was beautiful and so peaceful, and you can't help but whisper when you're walking around because you can just feel the sacredness of the spot. I didn't have any big spiritual experience, I didn't cry, I didn't sit and ponder life. It was a really good experience, don't get me wrong, but part of me always thought that I should have had a bigger spiritual experience. 

As I grew up and learned, my testimony of this church has formed and it's changed my life. So many life experiences have taught me that God loves everyone of us, Jesus Christ did live and died for us and lives again, the true church was restored on this earth through his prophet, Joseph Smith, and we continue to have prophets and apostles on this earth to lead us just as in Bible times. I know these things because of life and experiences I've had.

When I was a missionary in Korea I spent every day teaching these truths to people in a foreign language, trying so hard to convey my love for the gospel to God's children. I always thought that if I could revisit the Sacred Grove, this time I would feel everything I wanted to feel that first time and it would be the most amazing experience of my life.

So, on Friday, June 21st, as we pulled up to the Sacred Grove and walked into the trees, I thought for sure a spiritual awakening would fall on me like a ton of bricks and I would be so overcome with everything that maybe I'd cry or something. 

But as I walked through I felt the same feelings I felt when I was younger. "Wow, God was here once." The beauty and peace that was there was overwhelming. We whispered the entire time we were walking through. It was so quiet that we could hear the birds singing and the breeze blowing the leaves on the trees. There were pretty butterflies. It was like the whole grove knew that it was a sacred spot and even the trees were grateful that they were able to grow on that soil. 

We took pictures of "pillars of light." I even recited the "First Vision" in Korean for my family. I always wanted to do that since I memorized that in the MTC. We smiled as we watched youth groups studying their scriptures and writing in their journals. It was perfectly peaceful.

I didn't have that huge spiritual downpour of enlightenment that I thought would come. But it was just like the first time I read the Book of Mormon. When I got down on my knees and asked God if the book was true, before I could even listen for an answer I felt my answer. I felt, "You KNOW it's true Mindy. Why do you even need to ask?" 

So as I walked into the Grove and started to ask God for the affirmation of the truth of the First Vision, instead of the emotional spiritual experience I was looking for, I just felt it. I felt, "You KNOW it's true Mindy. You don't need anything more."

I didn't have a huge spiritual experience, but as I've learned throughout life, I didn't need a huge experience to solidify what I already knew to be true. Because I already know it! I know that Joseph Smith was a true prophet, that he helped bring the restored church to the earth. I've known this since before I was 14 and before I was a missionary and before I walked in the sacred grove a few days ago. I knew this all to be true. 

I think more than anything I just felt so grateful to know all of this. To really KNOW all of this and not just believe it or think it might be true. But to know and to live life with this knowledge and comfort of God's plan for me and for everyone. 

I'm so glad we were able to visit the Sacred Grove. If anything, it just helped me remember what I know because of Joseph Smith's first vision and how incredible it is that because of that one event, I am able to be with my family for eternity and once again live with God again.

blessed

The other day at work I was in one of my patient's rooms giving him his medication and he was watching a televangelist on TV. I was in the room for about fifteen minutes so I was able to hear quite a bit of what he said. This guy was friendly, charismatic, and persuasive. And his topic? How the Mormon church was made up by a delusional man and the Book of Mormon was fiction.
This preacher told us how he has been studying this topic for over a year and he has been teaching us all of these things. He briefly went over everything he had covered up to that point and then moved on. He talked about history and threw out dates and "facts" here and there. And what he said sounded pretty good, if I didn't already know more about what he was saying.
I wanted to laugh at first, then get angry because he was teaching people to hate something that I know and love with all of my heart.
But you know what? It doesn't matter. And it never will. It doesn't matter what that man thinks or what you think or what anyone else thinks. All that matters is what I know and think.
I know that what I believe is true. I don't understand everything perfectly and there is so much more that I need to learn, but what I do believe, I know. And no one could ever change the fact that I know these things for myself.
I don't believe in my religion because of my parents or my leaders or because someone brain-washed me. I am able to think for myself and I consider myself open minded. And yet I believe all of these things with all my heart.
No one will ever take away what I believe about eternal families, keeping God's commandments, prayer, scriptures, living Prophets, and the temple. I know these things make me happy. I don't want to ever live my life without this knowledge. And I don't have to.
I am blessed and grateful. And although my life is no where near perfect, I'm happy that I have the hope of the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life.

glimpse

Yesterday I started talking to one of my patients.

He’s LDS and our past conversations led him to understand that I was LDS as well. I tend not to give a lot of personal information about myself to my patients. You never know, you know? But he learned this and we had a connection.

He had a rough day. But I’ll be darned if he didn’t smile genuinely every time I walked into the room.

We were talking when I gave him his pills just before dinner. I had only 45 more minutes of working and I just wanted to go home. I wanted to leave the room quickly and just get things done. But I knew that I was his favorite nurse and so I stayed in the room to talk to him.

He told me how much he appreciated me. And explained how I light up the room when I walk in.

I don’t know how to respond to such amazing compliments as that. So I just deflected and told him how much I appreciated his words and his positive attitude. It really is a pleasure to have patients like him.

He stated, “I’m just trying to live how the Savior taught and would have us live.”

He said "us." It didn't mean "members of the church." It meant him and me.

I got caught off guard. He put me in a category with himself. I thought about how strong he must be. To go through all that he’s gone through: Divorce, remarrying, putting his wife in a nursing home, moving all over the country, living with diseases, and having a 5 bypass surgery. And yet every other thing he says glorifies God and all of his blessings. And he put me in a category with himself.

I’ve been in a place lately where I feel like I’m not doing anything right. And it was as if he opened up the spiritual door that I have closed when he verbalized his motto in life. When he invited the Savior and his teachings into our conversation.

Again, he said that I have a light and a spirit about me. He said righteous people light the world from inside out. He said he could see that in me and in the way I treat everyone.

Part of me wanted to stop him and tell him how I haven’t been to church in a few weeks, how I hate my ward, how sometimes I swear, watch rated R movies, think bad about Provo Mormons, wish I didn’t have to go to church,  how I don’t read my scriptures often enough, don’t write in my journal, how I don’t pray enough, I’m ungrateful, my temple recommend is expired, I don’t even want to go to the temple some days, and how terrible of a person I feel like all the time.

But I listened. And wow. He took all my words away. I couldn’t even reply to all the wonderful things he was saying about me.

I forgot about all the good things about me. But for those five minutes that I stayed in his room I got a glimpse again.

i like things.

i had a lot of fun at work yesterday. which is so good. guess what, everyone? i like my job. a month or so ago i would have only been able to say, "i don't HATE it." but now i like it. and yesterday i really liked it. it was a slow day. like, i had to think of things to do for a couple hours because nothing was happening. it was great. i got to talk to patients, check on them more often, assess like i learned in school, and just feel like a nurse. some days i just feel like a drug dealer. and some of my co-workers are so funny and awesome! and it helps that the CNAs keep telling me that i'm one of their favorite nurses to work with. life is good in that department for now. i'm happy i like it.

my visiting teachers are incredible. they're my first set that has actually visited me, so they earn points there. but they go beyond that. they text me all the time, seek me out at church to talk to me and ask me how i am, listen to and remember everything i tell them, visit randomly just because, and bring me cupcakes. on sunday, after one of my friends had to leave church, one of my visiting teachers switched rows to sit by me so i wasn't alone. it was so nice of her. makes me feel super loved. and on tuesday, they brought me dinner. and not just any dinner, cafe rio's pork salad. yeah. they're that amazing. i just love them.

my nephews are the cutest kids around. camden is goofy and funny. kent is adorable and squirmy. and i get to have a new nephew or niece come april! yay yay yay! plus, cyann found out she's having a girl. so in february i get a new sort of niece, like lily. i'm so excited! little children are the best.

i've been having so many dreams about korea lately. it's good and bad. good, because i still feel connected to it and like it was real. bad, because part of me thinks i'll never get to go back there. or if i do, it will just be a sad disappointing trip, realizing that things are not the same. i'm seriously trying to save money to go to korea next year in the fall. i really really want to. and some days the thought of saving money for that trip is what i need to wake up in the morning and go to work. but then i remember about paying off student loans and how chester (my car) is not going to live forever and that i need to get a phone plan soon. and money seems like it doesn't grow on trees anymore. sometimes i think life was easier when i was super poor and didn't even think about spending money.

i think i'm a good friend. not to toot my own horn, or anything, but i think i've been handling some things pretty well lately. and although sometimes i'm forgetful and don't keep in touch with everyone i want to keep in touch with, just know that i think about you all ALL the time and i pray for my friends.

i get to go to cedar tomorrow. for about 24 hours. then come back to work for 4 days. then go to cedar again for a longer trip. i miss cedar SO MUCH! i always knew that i wouldn't be able to live there forever but sometimes, especially now because it's fall, i miss campus SO much. i miss walking through the leaves. i miss buying hot chocolate in the sharwan smith center with cy and annalie. i miss the weird parades and things that cedar does almost every weekend. and i miss how small and quiet it can be down there. but i get to visit soon. and i'm so excited.

provo is beautiful though. i hate to admit it, because i seriously thought it would be the last thing i would EVER think, but i like it here. i like the pretty trees, the closeness of the mountains, the nearness of my family, my ward, the new friends i'm making, having more than 3 grocery stores to choose from. it's nice.

the good news, though, is that i definitely do not run the risk of catching provo face anymore. i'm almost 25. and that's almost being a menace. provo face is more of an 18-21 year old thing. so i dodged that bullet. too bad for my sister though... caught it and never could quite shake it. :)

eh. life is good.

korea

i've been back from korea now for about 2 and a half years. wow. some days i can't believe it; it feels like just yesterday i was there. other days it feels like it was all a dream and sometimes i forget that i can speak this obscure language.
it's more rare now than it used to be, but this week someone i hadn't seen in a while said, "i don't think i ever asked you, but how was your mission?"
and i feel like i get this sparkle in my eyes when i answer, "it was the best. amazing."

what did i do in south korea for 18 months? i completely changed. i learned about a different side of the world, a different history, a different people, way of life, and culture. i learned a different language, a different set of grammar rules, a different set of manners and respect. i learned of religions, of different points of view, of tolerance, and how to love absolutely every type of person. i learned to live with people i liked, live with people i didn't like as much, and take care of money and things. i learned to not be offended, to be open minded, and to be kind. i learned about patience, how real homesickness can be, how important family is, and how not important some things in my life were. i learned to live without calling home, without the internet, without friends, without music, without movies, and entertainment. and i learned all of that while preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ.

above all, i learned who Christ was, who He was to the world, and who He is to me personally. i learned that He lives. He loves every single person who lives and has ever lived and will ever live with a perfect love. He died for us, lived for us, and gave us the way back to him. He taught by example and words and deeds how we should live our lives. i learned about repentance. it truly can turn the darkest soul into the lightest of souls. about forgiveness and charity and love. i learned about how much God loves us. about His plan for us and how he is there for us. God truly listened to all of my prayers, even the sloppy ones in korean that hardly conveyed what i felt. He hears my prayers now, as a 24 year old working here in Provo. He loves families. i truly learned that families can be together forever. Eternity. A never ending unit. i learned about my importance as a woman on this earth, about my role, and how i play a part in his plan.

and i learned all of this on those streets in korea. going door to door, person to person, teaching them about the truths that i know. i was rejected, spit upon, pushed, sworn at, yelled at, laughed at, persecuted, reviled. but i was also loved, hugged, appreciated, thanked, received tears of joy, smiles, and friendship.

i cannot even imagine my life without the experience i had as a missionary for my church. i change in SO many ways. i can't imagine a life without my mission. and sometimes i look at people who reject the opportunity to go and serve and it hurts my heart. i'm sure they can learn these things another way. but to me, it would be the hard way.

some people think our church is evil. that we are not Christians. that we don't believe in Christ. that we're a cult. there is nothing that makes me more sad. I love Jesus Christ with all that I have. I owe him all that I am. our church is only good. it teaches us to love everyone, to trust in God and Christ, to listen to the Holy Ghost, to pray, to believe in truth, to repent, to forgive, to not drink, smoke, have sex before marriage, and to marry someone for eternity and raise a family. there is nothing evil in that.

i think about korea every day. and to me, korea is all of those things that i learned.

monday

on monday, i didn't have to work after working around 51 hours the week before.

so after sleeping in, taking a nap, and lying there, i got online.

and i started looking at pictures that reminded me of how much i love fall.

for me, summer is my favorite. then winter. and spring and fall are tied.

so, i got to thinking how much i love wearing fall clothes, and being out side in the fall.

so i got ready, grabbed a book, and drove up the canyon.

I stopped at a park that I went to this summer. It was so beautiful. And there was hardly a soul there. I wanted to sit close to the river, but there were a few painters nearby with their easels set up. I didn't want to be in their paintings. (That was really cool. When I got up there, their canvases were empty. When I left, they had a magnificent fall scene.)

 Yeah, I took pictures of myself. Maybe around 20. I deleted most. And kept this one. My hair rocked that day.

Pretty.

I took a "panoramic" picture with my camera. I messed up a bit on the left, but it captures the park.

I sat there, reading the book "Heidi" for about 4 hours. It was AMAZING. I would love to do that everyday. (I would have done it today again, but it was SNOWING. crazy.) It started to rain a little bit as I was leaving. PERFECT. I love rain.

And, at one point, a LARGE weird looking thing was on my blanket. I might have freaked out a bit. Then i took a bad picture of it.

On another note, the book "Heidi" is really cute. I grew up watching the movie with my mom and sister all the time. We loved watching it. Recently, my sister and I found it on netflix and re-watched it all. CLASSIC.

The book was different, as books are. It was cute and sweet and full of great lines.

I think the things I got out of it were the cheesy religious things that she would say. Clara's grandmamma taught Heidi about prayer. And so she prayed to God because she couldn't tell anyone else her problems. After a while when she still didn't get what she wanted, she stopped praying. And grandmamma taught her that you can't stop praying. God has his own time table; He'll give us what we need when we need it. She wanted to move back home, but didn't for a while. She later realized that if she got what she wanted when she wanted it, she would have never learned to read or been good friends with Clara, both things that blessed her and others immensely in her life.

She went on to teach and remind other people in her life about prayer. How you have to pray to God and tell him everything, that he'll listen, and give you what you need when you need it. And be grateful.

What a beautiful Monday.

yay!

i finally have an awesome ward.
i mean, the most awesome ward i've ever had.
not only are they organized, really on top of things, and know my name,
they are some of the friendliest people i've ever met.

my visiting teachers rock. i love them. LOVE them.
the girls i visit teach are SO sweet. they rock.
i met a sweet girl last week and she cut my hair at her salon this week. so fun to get to know her.
my calling, although intimidating, will be incredible for me. i'll get to know people and learn to love people. i'm excited.
our activities are well attended. and are actually fun. because everyone is so nice.
today, as i was sitting alone in sacrament meeting, someone came to sit next to me. he talked with me before the meeting started. so nice.
same with sunday school. i was with my adorable roommate. and 2 people came to sit by us. and i loved that the guy that sat next to me would make fun of things with me. ha.
relief society is grand. just wonderful. and normal. and i don't want to poke my eyes out ever.
oh, and last week i probably got 7 compliments on my outfit. today i got 5. how nice!
after church we had break the fast. i got to help with that. we ate and talked with everyone for like an hour.
we have ward prayer. love it.
and i met with the other girls who have my calling tonight. they're so nice and on top of things.

i really can't say enough good things about this ward.
sorry if it sounds like bragging. i just want to remember this love forever.
i was SO nervous to move here.
and now i'm so glad i did. it's great to love things again.

:)

my rain

i was in church one sunday, when i was in high school, when my young woman's president stood up to teach.
i don't remember what the lesson was about. but i was a ponderer. still am. i listened.
i remember one of the last things she said that day. she wanted us to think about God and how much He loved us. she said that there are reminders of His love for us every day.
she said that she liked to think that we got to help with the creation of the earth. God let us pick what we created and we helped Him.
"mine was sunsets," she said. "if this is true, i like to think that i helped create sunsets." it was an odd concept.
"every time there is a sunset, i take the time to stop what i'm doing and think about God's love for me. and that we made the sunsets together. and that He sends it every day just for me. to remind me of His love."
if this is remotely true, mine is rain.
that's part of the reason i love rain so much.
it seems that every time it rains, it's the precise moment that i need to remember that God loves me. that He's watching me. and helping me everyday. and He's aware of me.
every time it rains i stop what i'm doing and think about God's love for me.
as ridiculous as it sounds, every time it rains i feel a little bit closer to him.

it's been raining here lately. God knows i need it.
and i love it. I love Him.

in no particular order...

My nursing class as achieved the impossible! 100% pass rate on the first try for the NCLEX! It's an AMAZING feeling and I've never been so proud of us! I hope we get to celebrate soon! I just love them all! We're all slowly getting jobs too. Taking over the world, really. We ROCK.

I live in provo now. It's different. From what I had and what i expected. I like my roommates a lot. My ward is impressive. I like it so far. I like living close to family and my nephews. I like being so close to the temple. And wow, there are a lot more stores to choose from than just Lins, Smiths, and Walmart here. So weird! Downsides include BYU football season, BYU students, BYU being close by, and uh... BYU. But, be proud. I've only accidentally made fun of one BYU student.... that I know of.

I went to the temple on Saturday. I haven't wanted to go for a while. I feel bad about that. But the second to last time I went, my life problems multiplied by ten afterwards. And the last time I went I ended up crying. A lot. In the temple. ha. But this time....... I don't know. It was good. But I still feel so conflicted about life. Ugh........... I don't know what to say except I sort of came home feeling a little depressed. And that shouldn't happen. So.......... weird.

I think I'm going to do something crazy soon. Stay tuned.

I have about ten thousand dreams a night lately. It's almost like I don't sleep when I sleep. It hasn't been this bad since around March, when I would have rather stayed up all night than sleep. It's getting to that point. Maybe I need drugs......... hmmm.....

My job is still going okay. I am getting the hang of some things. Like my first shift it took me 4 1/2 hours to pass out the morning meds. And last week my time was 2 1/2 hours. So that's good. I still freak out if I hear the word "admit" floating in the air. And I still have a hard time telling people that I am, in fact, the nurse, despite my lack of knowledge. I'll get more confidence and start feeling better soon, I'm sure. It really is getting better. So that's good.

I can't believe that summer is over. It's weird that I moved. And that all my friends are moving away too. I guess that's what happens in life. You start over in a place, make that place your home, and then when you leave you add about 100 more people onto the list of people you will miss. I just wish that list wasn't so long.

Since San Diego:

I had 4th of July fun watching fireworks all over the city. I think the legalization of awesome fireworks has made this holiday more exciting because I don't have to buy fireworks. I can just enjoy watching all the fireworks within a 5 mile radius from my house.

I saw my dear mtc companion Kori! I just love her. She leads a crazy, all over the place life. So fun. She's been in Hawaii for a year and it's fun to hear about it. Hopefully she can stay there for a little while so I can go visit! 

I taught Sunday school for the first time since April. I forget that I have a calling. But I was so happy to finally teach again. I LOVE teaching gospel doctrine. I was intimidated at first but I can honestly say it's been my favorite calling ever. And I get to teach tomorrow as well! Yay!

I get to hang out a lot with Annalie and Cyann. They're great people. Cyann and I went to the car festival they had here. There were so many people there! More than cedar city has, I felt. I just love Cedar in the summer time. I've never gotten to stay here for summer. It's beautiful and fun here!

Annalie and I went to cedar lake last week and got a little bit of sun. That was fun as well. Until a dead fish floated up to us. Then we ran away and made a sand castle. 

I went home for a week last week. I got to hang out with mitch, luke, and Kevin from my mtc district!! It was a blast being with them again. They are absolutely hilarious and I laughed so hard at everything. I'm so glad we are all still great friends after all this time. I love my mission friends.

I started watching Lost. I'm hooked. And even though I have really strange dreams because of it, I can't stop watching. It's awesome!

Lauren had her baby shower last Saturday. She's huge! I'm so so SO excited to meet my new little nephew!!!! Ah!! I just love Camden so much. And I'm sure I'll love Kent just the same!! I can't wait!

We went up the canyon one night in Provo (gagging noise). It was awesome! I sprayed myself with so much bug spray. Lauren kept telling me I was ridiculous. But I didn't even get one bite! Ha! 

Sunday we went to my grandparents in salt lake for an ice cream party. It was fun. I love playing with my nephew. So much! We had some really good ice cream too. Then Jenny and I failed at foose ball. Oh well. (is it fooze? Who knows...)

Monday I saw Harry potter with my sister, mom, and Ian. It was a disappointment. But at least it can be over now. And at least lauren and I got to make fun of it the whole time.

On tuesday I went with Ashley to the dinosaur museum. I have never been to it before. I felt like a little kid with how excited I was to go. I love science stuff. And loved making my own Dino island in the sand. I'm so glad Ashley was just as excited as I was.

Wednesday I got to play with my nephew all day! He's so awesome. My favorite was when he would bark with the dogs when they barked at things, how he would chase reeses around the house because she runs away, how he stopped playing the piano to look up at the little Jesus statue and say hi, how he fell asleep with his leg up and hands behind his head, how he would feed the dog his food (one for him, one for the dog), and how cute he was when he was being read too. I just can't get enough of him.

The rest of this week I've been able to be with brittni. Its great when she gets to be in my life for more than 10 minutes a week. We ate at the pizza cart, rented.... A movie, shopped for Cyann, and had funny conversations. And planned another $5 prank of the week with help of lynsie.

My life is pretty okay right now. I want a job more than ever. I'm frustrated more than ever. But I cant complain.

The pioneers had it worse. 

summer?

i wish that my life was more interesting.

but summer started.
i guess it officially started after i got back from my graduation ceremony on saturday night. my family came in the house, said goodbye, and got on the road to head home 5 minutes later. my mom did slip me a 20 and told me to go out to dinner. 
okay....
brittni and i had my post graduation dinner at the thai place over by walmart. it was SO good. we got a 7 on the scale of 1-10 spicy-ness. and then decided next time we should ask for a 10. Maybe 11??
hmmm....
church is now at 11. it's nice. i had some weird dream sunday morning about me seeing a psychiatrist about my life depression problems and i couldn't remember ever meeting him. but he prescribed me a benzodiazapine and an SSRI, so i guess it was serious.

maybe the universe is telling me that i have problems. and need drugs.
relief society is so ridiculous lately. no offense to anyone who actually can feel the spirit after 20 minutes of "tell us why you should brag about your life" minute or "what stupid thing can you pretend was a miracle" moment. brittni and i took a walk before relief soceity to avoid the nonsense. but 20 minutes later, when we sat down, they were just starting the announcements.
this week our walk will be 30 minutes long.
i had plans of riding my bike a lot this week. but the weather thought otherwise. i took a walk in the snow on monday. got so cold that i had to sit in a blanket for a while afterwards. yesterday it was rain. today it's just cold.
i just want to camp every day of my life.
i don't know if i'm ready to be a grown up. i guess my college degree says i am. i wish i could just stay where i am for the summer. just 4 months. that's not a long time. i also wish that i won't run out of money.
so i guess i'm wishing for a miracle.

hmm.
gross.

life is going to be okay.

Graduation is coming. SO soon. The other day Betsy came into our class and explained how graduation will work. She got annoyed with us talking whist she was explaining but I think she forgot to realize that most graduating seniors don't have a Betsy to explain things and find where to line up all by themselves. Bless her heart.
Salt lake nursing conference was lame. As daron said, "it was a 6 out of 10 on the pain scale." ha. But I loved hanging out with my best friends and loved making memories. Like ditching the conference to chill at a bar, shopping at barnes and noble, and going to ikea. Ha. I guess I did enjoy the booths that gave us tons of free stuff.
Friend drama. I've been experiencing much of that lately. Whether it's friends being sad, crappy, breaking up, getting back together, being mean, getting new crushes.... Whew. Sometimes I just want to hide in a hole. But luckily I love my friends. So I guess that's good. I just hope that my friends' lives will stop being SO dramatic. As I'm sure they do too.

I went to the temple the other day and it was the best experience I've had in a while. I learned a lot about myself and about deciding future plans. I'm glad I can trust in God to help me out even though I don't deserve it half of the time.
I put blue in my hair. It's awesome. The other day I was looking through pictures of myself from the last two years and I had a different hair color almost every single time. Sometimes I think it's awesome, but then other times I wonder, "what have a done to my poor hair?!?!" it'll be brown for graduation. as well as possibly sporting a different style. then the plan is to not dye it for a while. stay tuned.
I only have one more project to finish before I can start studying for the 3 tests I have and then I AM DONE. Until the next week when I have to study for the NCLEX. Then I'll take that and BE DONE! Until I have to beg for jobs. Hmmm...... life never is easy, is it?

My future is very hazy at this point. It's nerve wracking and makes me sick sometimes to think about it, but it's exciting too. I'll be okay. And the best is yet to be. As brittni said the other night as she held me in a head lock/hug in the middle of Smith's, "you're life is going to be okay."
Sometimes it's nice to be reminded.

Just a little note.

Just a little note

My hair is blonde. I thought that's what i wanted but I'm having second thoughts. And third. And fourth thoughts.

It's spring break (Whoo!) and I stayed in Cedar for the first time. It's been nice so far besides the long long list of homework that I need to do that constantly haunts me in the back of my mind. But I'm happy I stayed. I sort of wish I was there to help best friend while he's in a sad place, but I'm happy I stayed nonetheless.

Adele's voice is life changing. Brittni showed me her music the other day. I'm pretty sure I'll be purchasing her albums and blasting them all week in my house so I can practice singing beautifully like her.

Happy birthday to Cyann, one of the best friends in the world. I'm really blessed in the friendship department. I'm pretty sure God sent me the best. I don't know how I deserve it, but hey, I'll take it.

I'm so excited for my sister to have a baby. So excited. Mainly because nephew #1 turned out to be the cutest little guy and instant love of my life. I can't wait to have another nephew/niece.

I like telling people stories about my siblings. And then I realize how cool they all are. I'm lucky that my siblings are the wittiest, funniest people alive. We win.

Lately when people ask me about my plans for after school I blow up in an angry rage and usually end up yelling something like, "it's not as easy as you think!" That magical nursing "shortage" was years ago, people. It's not an easy ticket to getting a job. I can't just pick where I want and live happily ever after. And also, I'm praying about what to do next and I still don't have the answers. But I feel a move away from Cedar is inevitable no matter how much I love it here. *sigh*

I wouldn't mind being able to see into the future.

I sat out in the sun on Sunday and Tuesday. Thus beginning my yearly ritual of tempting the fates and seeing how dark my skin can get before my mom freaks out about skin cancer.

I made three pies on Monday for pi day. I'm a domestic goddess. And so I should automatically get a husband for that.

I like teaching gospel doctrine at church a whole lot. My favorite part is over preparing and trying to be an expert on all of the bible stories only to realize that when I actually do teach I never get hard questions or get enough time to teach everything I prepared. Last Sunday I did go five minutes over time but i taught everything I prepared. It was great. Second favorite part is that best friend teaches the same weeks I do so we share ideas.

I'm hating school. My classes are pointless and I feel like I'm getting stupider as the days go because I'm not learning much that relates to nursing. Learning about leadership won't help me remember that the therapeutic level of digoxin in the body is 0.5-2.0ng/dl. (I missed that on a test today...)

All in all I've been really really happy lately. Since I came back from Christmas break I can only remember having 3 days where I wasn't happy. Only 3. Record? Probably. I'm just grateful for the people in my life, for where I'm at, and for where I'm going.

Plus it's hard not to be happy when its Spring break! Whoo!!