Obsessed

I found an obsession. 

In a million years I didn't think I would ever get obsessed with running. Wait, a billion years. 

Running and I have never been friends. We've been enemies since I can remember. Those mile runs in elementary school around the playground, playing soccer and the coach making us run a few laps around the field, running drills in basketball. "Fun runs" in jr high. So I picked swimming, a sport that didn't require any running. Until high school, when our team captains loved to torture us with runs. 

I think the farthest I ever ran and pushed myself in high school was a quarter mile. It was an "Indian run" that nearly made me throw up. 

I had knee problems in high school with swimming and so I didn't have to run anymore my senior year. I still worked hard at swimming and swam at state. But I was always so sad that I could never run.

My dad became obsessed with running in 2002 or so. His midlife crisis. Suddenly he was a trail runner and ran crazy distances. I thought he was crazy. I would mention it to friends and people I knew and they were amazed. Sometimes I even met people who read his blog and treated him like some sort of running celebrity.

In college I wanted to try running again. I signed up for the ROTC class and quickly learned that is was possible to throw up while you run. It was hard. I was embarrassed. So I bought a gym pass and tried to work out a couple more times a week in preparation for the Friday runs. I still couldn't do it and I knew I would fail the class, so I dropped out. I failed. It was depressing.

During nursing school, Annalie and I took up running for a bit but started out doing too much too soon and so I hurt my knees and stopped running. I had gotten to the point where I could say that I actually liked to run. But then it was too hard to start up again.

This last October, Annalie and I went to the Pony Express Trail 50 and 100 that my dad puts on. It was fun times camping and cheering. But we were sitting at the finish while people older than us were finishing 50 mile runs. It was inspiring to see how accomplished they felt afterwards and to see their determination. 

Annalie and I joked about running 50 next year. And in the middle of our joking it became a reality and the next week we laced up our shoes and headed out the door, running 45 second intervals to get us up to 10 minutes only four weeks later. 

Now that I have some specific goals and races in mind, like a 5K in a week and a half marathon in June. And of course, the 50 in October. I am obsessed with motivation for racing.

I live and breathe motivation. I'm not sure if its because I'm terrified of not accomplishing my goals. I really want this more than I've wanted anything in a long time. And failing is just not an option. I am not going to get this excited about something and start out with this much momentum and then quit or get set back or fail. I cannot do that. It would be the worst thing. 

I want to run. I want to keep running. I want to be a runner for good. This could be the best thing that has ever happened to me. It feels amazing.

So I'm obsessed. I have to be. I'm so happy at my progress and can't wait to keep going.

i like things.

i had a lot of fun at work yesterday. which is so good. guess what, everyone? i like my job. a month or so ago i would have only been able to say, "i don't HATE it." but now i like it. and yesterday i really liked it. it was a slow day. like, i had to think of things to do for a couple hours because nothing was happening. it was great. i got to talk to patients, check on them more often, assess like i learned in school, and just feel like a nurse. some days i just feel like a drug dealer. and some of my co-workers are so funny and awesome! and it helps that the CNAs keep telling me that i'm one of their favorite nurses to work with. life is good in that department for now. i'm happy i like it.

my visiting teachers are incredible. they're my first set that has actually visited me, so they earn points there. but they go beyond that. they text me all the time, seek me out at church to talk to me and ask me how i am, listen to and remember everything i tell them, visit randomly just because, and bring me cupcakes. on sunday, after one of my friends had to leave church, one of my visiting teachers switched rows to sit by me so i wasn't alone. it was so nice of her. makes me feel super loved. and on tuesday, they brought me dinner. and not just any dinner, cafe rio's pork salad. yeah. they're that amazing. i just love them.

my nephews are the cutest kids around. camden is goofy and funny. kent is adorable and squirmy. and i get to have a new nephew or niece come april! yay yay yay! plus, cyann found out she's having a girl. so in february i get a new sort of niece, like lily. i'm so excited! little children are the best.

i've been having so many dreams about korea lately. it's good and bad. good, because i still feel connected to it and like it was real. bad, because part of me thinks i'll never get to go back there. or if i do, it will just be a sad disappointing trip, realizing that things are not the same. i'm seriously trying to save money to go to korea next year in the fall. i really really want to. and some days the thought of saving money for that trip is what i need to wake up in the morning and go to work. but then i remember about paying off student loans and how chester (my car) is not going to live forever and that i need to get a phone plan soon. and money seems like it doesn't grow on trees anymore. sometimes i think life was easier when i was super poor and didn't even think about spending money.

i think i'm a good friend. not to toot my own horn, or anything, but i think i've been handling some things pretty well lately. and although sometimes i'm forgetful and don't keep in touch with everyone i want to keep in touch with, just know that i think about you all ALL the time and i pray for my friends.

i get to go to cedar tomorrow. for about 24 hours. then come back to work for 4 days. then go to cedar again for a longer trip. i miss cedar SO MUCH! i always knew that i wouldn't be able to live there forever but sometimes, especially now because it's fall, i miss campus SO much. i miss walking through the leaves. i miss buying hot chocolate in the sharwan smith center with cy and annalie. i miss the weird parades and things that cedar does almost every weekend. and i miss how small and quiet it can be down there. but i get to visit soon. and i'm so excited.

provo is beautiful though. i hate to admit it, because i seriously thought it would be the last thing i would EVER think, but i like it here. i like the pretty trees, the closeness of the mountains, the nearness of my family, my ward, the new friends i'm making, having more than 3 grocery stores to choose from. it's nice.

the good news, though, is that i definitely do not run the risk of catching provo face anymore. i'm almost 25. and that's almost being a menace. provo face is more of an 18-21 year old thing. so i dodged that bullet. too bad for my sister though... caught it and never could quite shake it. :)

eh. life is good.

memories- age 1-3.

i want to blog about interesting things.
you know, not just what's happening in my life.
although, to be completely honest, i kind of consider this blog my journal.
i need to get better at journaling too....

anyway,

i once had this idea to write down things that i remember from certain times of my life.
the other day my mom asked me what my earliest memory was. i listed off a list like this:

(these were all in new york)
naming my doll, baby biscuit. 

i LOVED this doll. LOVED it. the velcro hands, the squeakers... <3

dad making baby biscuit eat a cracker. (it was MAGIC, i swear. amazing.)
our laundry room in the basement.
sitting in front of the washing machine when baby biscuit was being washed.
our back yard, and the gap in the fence i used to squeeze through.
our basement where the tv was. (we liked watching rescue 911)
the time davy pretended to pass the sacrament to me and kevin in the front room.
having the chicken pox.
washing my hair in the bath tub.
aunt phyllis combing my hair.
mom combing my hair with "no tangle" spray. (i had super tangly hair. still do.... hmm...)
lauren being born and visiting her at the hospital.
sticking that button up my nose. the nurses laughing at the hospital. and me asking mom if i could have the button back.
getting lost in the store.
my first dream ever. (my family was shocked that i remember this. but i do. very vividly. i was sitting on my back porch watching my dad mow the lawn when a GIANT bee started to chase me. I was terrified. so i ran into our house and sat down to watch davy and kevin play video games. i remember telling my mom about the huge bee the next day and her telling me that it was a dream.)
grandpa calling me "mindy peanut."

that's about it for new york memories. it's funny the things i remember. and that most of them included baby biscuit. haha.

what were your earliest memories??

in no particular order...

My nursing class as achieved the impossible! 100% pass rate on the first try for the NCLEX! It's an AMAZING feeling and I've never been so proud of us! I hope we get to celebrate soon! I just love them all! We're all slowly getting jobs too. Taking over the world, really. We ROCK.

I live in provo now. It's different. From what I had and what i expected. I like my roommates a lot. My ward is impressive. I like it so far. I like living close to family and my nephews. I like being so close to the temple. And wow, there are a lot more stores to choose from than just Lins, Smiths, and Walmart here. So weird! Downsides include BYU football season, BYU students, BYU being close by, and uh... BYU. But, be proud. I've only accidentally made fun of one BYU student.... that I know of.

I went to the temple on Saturday. I haven't wanted to go for a while. I feel bad about that. But the second to last time I went, my life problems multiplied by ten afterwards. And the last time I went I ended up crying. A lot. In the temple. ha. But this time....... I don't know. It was good. But I still feel so conflicted about life. Ugh........... I don't know what to say except I sort of came home feeling a little depressed. And that shouldn't happen. So.......... weird.

I think I'm going to do something crazy soon. Stay tuned.

I have about ten thousand dreams a night lately. It's almost like I don't sleep when I sleep. It hasn't been this bad since around March, when I would have rather stayed up all night than sleep. It's getting to that point. Maybe I need drugs......... hmmm.....

My job is still going okay. I am getting the hang of some things. Like my first shift it took me 4 1/2 hours to pass out the morning meds. And last week my time was 2 1/2 hours. So that's good. I still freak out if I hear the word "admit" floating in the air. And I still have a hard time telling people that I am, in fact, the nurse, despite my lack of knowledge. I'll get more confidence and start feeling better soon, I'm sure. It really is getting better. So that's good.

I can't believe that summer is over. It's weird that I moved. And that all my friends are moving away too. I guess that's what happens in life. You start over in a place, make that place your home, and then when you leave you add about 100 more people onto the list of people you will miss. I just wish that list wasn't so long.

brain thoughts

I'm an RN!!!

I don't think I'll ever tire of saying that. I'm so excited that I accomplished this.

Now I get to figure out life. You know, beg for jobs, figure out where I should live, and see what life's next adventures will bring. It's been confusing. Part of me has an idea of this great life that I can start soon. I get excited about it and plan for it and feel good about it. But then I have a second thought and a whole other plan creeps up and takes hold. Then I plan and fantasize and think. And it happens again. I wish I could see the future.

I'm really glad I got to go to the temple on Saturday. It was needed. I don't know how else to put it. I've been having some sad days lately. Sometimes I need the temple to help me get the sad out and sort through my feelings and thoughts so I can breathe again. Maybe it is terrible of me, but I could hardly pay attention. My thoughts were racing and piling up so quickly that I had to sort through them while I was there. It took all that I had in me not to freak out about the amount of thoughts and emotions that were going through my head. This makes me sound weird. But I am. I don't think I figured anything out 100%. But I came to understand a few things that I should probably do. Ugh........ I'm SO vague. Let's just say life isn't totally happy yet, but I have a few ideas on how to make it a little bit brighter.

Ever since I bought my "boat" I have dreams about going out to some lake somewhere and just rowing across for hours. Seriously. I'll just row and row to the sound of the breeze and birds. I'm alone. And it's so peaceful. I don't think I've been this excited about something I've purchased in a long long time.

I went to Lagoon with Annalie's family and my brother Connor on Friday. I really liked it. And really liked hanging out with my little brother. He reminds me so much of Ryan when he was younger. And I love hanging out with Ryan. So it was a lot of fun. It made me miss Ryan.

I added a list on the side bar of my blog. It's my summer to do list. I figure if I write it down and tell people about it then they can remind me to work on it. Especially all those goals that involve running. I really did get to a point once where I liked it a lot. Then that point faded and was replaced with loathing again. Anyway, these goals will happen. I'm sure of it.

I listened to all of my brother Davy's podcasts. It's called desert bears. Find it on itunes. Him and his friends are hilarious. I think they talk about nerdy things but some of them are really funny. It just reminds me of the fact that I have 4 of the most hilarious, awesome, and cool brothers in the world. Oh. Make that 5. Because my brother-in-law is awesome too.

Today in church a lady who was my young woman leader back when I was 14 commented on how well I have grown up. She said, "If only we knew then where your life would have taken you now, you would have been so excited!" I just kept thinking about that. And I really think I would have been excited. I'm really glad I'm not the same person I was in high school. My sister and I talked about that yesterday. We're totally different. And so much better. Like an upgraded version of myself. What a relief to know that I don't have to be the same. Sometimes change is the best thing.

I guess that's about it. I'm pretty sure all my blog posts are lame for those of you who actually read them. I really find these posts when I can just spew out my brain thoughts to be therapeutic. So... you can bet there will be more. My apologies.

this is a test

i'm checking my e-mail for the hundreth time that day. when all of a sudden i get it. THE e-mail. the e-mail from pearson-vue finally telling me that i can schedule my test! i can finally take the NCLEX and start planning my life.
of course, i'm checking my e-mail on my ipod and so when i try to log on to the website to schedule the test, my ipod decides not to pick up any internet connection. the page loads half way, takes forever, and then maybe shows me a few words on the screen.
i'm finally logged in and i can access a calendar and all of the dates are closed except tomorrow, July 4th, and August 18. WHAT?!? "i don't want to wait! i'm getting stupider by the minute!" i hurry and click the July 4th date and decide that i need to consult annalie and cyann to see when they're taking it.
but then i realize. i only have my ipod. not my phone. i can't call them. i'll just have to go see them.
i go out of my apartment and see daron, james, and russell all heading over to the school. of course! i still have one more final to complete before graduation!
i catch up with them and talk about what date they signed up for the NCLEX. they didn't even know they could yet. i'm glad i told them. they all start freaking out and pulling out their smart phones to log on and sign up.
as i'm walking around the parking lot i realize that my car is missing. my CAR?! it's GONE! WHAT!?! i tell james that i can't find my car anywhere. so all four of us start searching the parking lot for my car.
after the fruitless search we know the worst is true. someone stole my car. i won't be able to get to the final and i won't be able to go up to Draper to take my test on July 4th.
stress and despair envelope me.
i finally decide to just ride with daron even though we're all late anyway.
"i'm never going to pass this test. i'm never going to get there. i'm never going to be a nurse," i tell myself as i still in the back seat of the car.

that's what i dream about, folks. this stupid test is ruining my waking hours as well as my sleeping hours.
Argh! I just want to know when i can take this stupid test!!!

dream

those who know me know that i dream. every night. yep.
last night i had a dream. the night before i had a dream. the night before that, i had a dream. november 23, 2007 i had a dream. i just know it. because i always do.

sometimes when i dream it's just one of those "eh" dreams that are just there to occupy my brain while i sleep because apparently my brain won't turn off for a second.

but other times when i dream they are so big and real to me that when i wake up i can't help but just sit there for a few moments and think about what the dream was about, what it could mean, and how it should affect my day and life.

last night i had quite the dream. it was long and vivid and troubling. not that it was about anything bad or scary or anything, but it was like waking up from watching a movie that makes you think so hard your brain hurts.

all i know is that when i woke up i sat there in my bed for a half hour just thinking and thinking. and i've literally been thinking about it all day long. i know what i think i should do because of it. but it seems silly to me. and useless.

anyway, i just........... keep thinking about it so i thought i'd blog about it.

if anyone wants to know what the dream was about, then ask.

but it involved an old house, main street in cedar, soccer games, and lots of people.