fire

I guess it has been a while.
Sometimes I think about things to blog about. But then I never do it. Or then I think about the topic and think, "that's too depressing," or, "that's too happy," or, "who cares about that?"
I don't want to come across as anything less or more than what I am. I'm not depressed, I'm not super happy, and sometimes I think about things that probably don't matter. But that's me. So I can be allowed to write about whatever I want to.
Some things I've started to write about but never finished:

1. One of my favorite scripture stories is in 1 Nephi chapter 17 in the Book of Mormon. God leads Nephi's family into the middle of nowhere and has them do a bunch of things that they would never even dream of doing before or being able to do. Like in this chapter, God tells Nephi to build a boat so his family can go across the ocean to South America.
Seems pretty crazy. And I'm sure Nephi thought so too. God shows him how to build it, where to get the stuff for the tools and materials. And then Nephi has to start. He had everything he needs because God has been providing except for one little thing. FIRE. He doesn't have fire!! He never needed it! God was his light in the darkness, his warmth, made his meat sweet so they didn't have to cook.... So He explaining that for 5 verses, and Nephi says, "I rubbed two rocks together." He made fire. And I'm sure it was a pretty difficult task for him, considering that he spent 5 verses talking about it. He wouldn't have mentioned it if it were easy to come by.
Sometimes I feel like that. I feel like I can easily make really BIG changes in my life because God gives me very specific answers. Move here, work here, study this, go here, meet this person, don't do that. I can handle the really big changes pretty well because I have faith that God knows way better than me.
But then sometimes he leaves me up to my own devices, and I'm halfway through something that He led me to and I realize that I don't have something simple, like fire. I never needed it.
I'm missing fire in my life right now. I've got everything else except the fire. I guess it's time to rub two rocks together.

2. Sometimes people suck. Or they make you feel like you suck.
I'm one of the coolest people I know. Some days it is really apparent to me why I'm so awesome. But some days I have to remind myself why I am. And you know what? The people I tend to associate with lately make me rethink why I'm awesome all the time. And that sucks!
Who wants to constantly have to prove to other people that you have redeeming qualities? That your opinions are sound and that you're smart and funny? Who would like to stand around in a group and have to brag about yourself to make yourself feel good or liked??
More and more I find myself keeping quiet. I hate braggers. I don't want to be one. I know why I'm awesome, but I don't need to list all the reasons for these people just so they can like me.

3. I really want to go to Paris.

4. My ex-best friend got engaged and didn't tell me. I'm scared to death that it's because he hates me or his fiance hates me. I can't think of a single reason why they would. It haunts my dreams, makes me sad, distracts me at work, makes me sick, and makes me so angry.
I feel like this whole experience has caused me to distance myself from other friends that I have.
I wish I could just move on and be happy and forget about this. And I'm sure one day I will. But it hurts so much NOW.

5. I really have the best family in the world. I think I hang out with them too much.
Is there such thing as too much??
I just love them all.

Those would have been great blog topics, right?

i like things.

i had a lot of fun at work yesterday. which is so good. guess what, everyone? i like my job. a month or so ago i would have only been able to say, "i don't HATE it." but now i like it. and yesterday i really liked it. it was a slow day. like, i had to think of things to do for a couple hours because nothing was happening. it was great. i got to talk to patients, check on them more often, assess like i learned in school, and just feel like a nurse. some days i just feel like a drug dealer. and some of my co-workers are so funny and awesome! and it helps that the CNAs keep telling me that i'm one of their favorite nurses to work with. life is good in that department for now. i'm happy i like it.

my visiting teachers are incredible. they're my first set that has actually visited me, so they earn points there. but they go beyond that. they text me all the time, seek me out at church to talk to me and ask me how i am, listen to and remember everything i tell them, visit randomly just because, and bring me cupcakes. on sunday, after one of my friends had to leave church, one of my visiting teachers switched rows to sit by me so i wasn't alone. it was so nice of her. makes me feel super loved. and on tuesday, they brought me dinner. and not just any dinner, cafe rio's pork salad. yeah. they're that amazing. i just love them.

my nephews are the cutest kids around. camden is goofy and funny. kent is adorable and squirmy. and i get to have a new nephew or niece come april! yay yay yay! plus, cyann found out she's having a girl. so in february i get a new sort of niece, like lily. i'm so excited! little children are the best.

i've been having so many dreams about korea lately. it's good and bad. good, because i still feel connected to it and like it was real. bad, because part of me thinks i'll never get to go back there. or if i do, it will just be a sad disappointing trip, realizing that things are not the same. i'm seriously trying to save money to go to korea next year in the fall. i really really want to. and some days the thought of saving money for that trip is what i need to wake up in the morning and go to work. but then i remember about paying off student loans and how chester (my car) is not going to live forever and that i need to get a phone plan soon. and money seems like it doesn't grow on trees anymore. sometimes i think life was easier when i was super poor and didn't even think about spending money.

i think i'm a good friend. not to toot my own horn, or anything, but i think i've been handling some things pretty well lately. and although sometimes i'm forgetful and don't keep in touch with everyone i want to keep in touch with, just know that i think about you all ALL the time and i pray for my friends.

i get to go to cedar tomorrow. for about 24 hours. then come back to work for 4 days. then go to cedar again for a longer trip. i miss cedar SO MUCH! i always knew that i wouldn't be able to live there forever but sometimes, especially now because it's fall, i miss campus SO much. i miss walking through the leaves. i miss buying hot chocolate in the sharwan smith center with cy and annalie. i miss the weird parades and things that cedar does almost every weekend. and i miss how small and quiet it can be down there. but i get to visit soon. and i'm so excited.

provo is beautiful though. i hate to admit it, because i seriously thought it would be the last thing i would EVER think, but i like it here. i like the pretty trees, the closeness of the mountains, the nearness of my family, my ward, the new friends i'm making, having more than 3 grocery stores to choose from. it's nice.

the good news, though, is that i definitely do not run the risk of catching provo face anymore. i'm almost 25. and that's almost being a menace. provo face is more of an 18-21 year old thing. so i dodged that bullet. too bad for my sister though... caught it and never could quite shake it. :)

eh. life is good.

currently

i am stalking my neighbors.
yeah, yeah, judge me. but it's what i do.

i've strategically placed my computer such that i can be "looking" at the screen and also be staring directly into the house in our "back yard." sometimes they look over, but as long as i don't suddenly jerk my head, i'm sure they don't suspect a thing.

so, they just made a cake and frosted it with white frosting. then they looked over here for a bit. now they're rearranging the dishes in the kitchen. wait........ for a second there they were putting things on the ceiling. weird.

three girls. still dressed up in their sunday clothes. eating cake, rearranging the dishes, and chatting.

ha.

i'm so much cooler. sitting here alone in my kitchen, watching them and typing on my computer.
LOADS cooler.

Just a little note.

Just a little note

My hair is blonde. I thought that's what i wanted but I'm having second thoughts. And third. And fourth thoughts.

It's spring break (Whoo!) and I stayed in Cedar for the first time. It's been nice so far besides the long long list of homework that I need to do that constantly haunts me in the back of my mind. But I'm happy I stayed. I sort of wish I was there to help best friend while he's in a sad place, but I'm happy I stayed nonetheless.

Adele's voice is life changing. Brittni showed me her music the other day. I'm pretty sure I'll be purchasing her albums and blasting them all week in my house so I can practice singing beautifully like her.

Happy birthday to Cyann, one of the best friends in the world. I'm really blessed in the friendship department. I'm pretty sure God sent me the best. I don't know how I deserve it, but hey, I'll take it.

I'm so excited for my sister to have a baby. So excited. Mainly because nephew #1 turned out to be the cutest little guy and instant love of my life. I can't wait to have another nephew/niece.

I like telling people stories about my siblings. And then I realize how cool they all are. I'm lucky that my siblings are the wittiest, funniest people alive. We win.

Lately when people ask me about my plans for after school I blow up in an angry rage and usually end up yelling something like, "it's not as easy as you think!" That magical nursing "shortage" was years ago, people. It's not an easy ticket to getting a job. I can't just pick where I want and live happily ever after. And also, I'm praying about what to do next and I still don't have the answers. But I feel a move away from Cedar is inevitable no matter how much I love it here. *sigh*

I wouldn't mind being able to see into the future.

I sat out in the sun on Sunday and Tuesday. Thus beginning my yearly ritual of tempting the fates and seeing how dark my skin can get before my mom freaks out about skin cancer.

I made three pies on Monday for pi day. I'm a domestic goddess. And so I should automatically get a husband for that.

I like teaching gospel doctrine at church a whole lot. My favorite part is over preparing and trying to be an expert on all of the bible stories only to realize that when I actually do teach I never get hard questions or get enough time to teach everything I prepared. Last Sunday I did go five minutes over time but i taught everything I prepared. It was great. Second favorite part is that best friend teaches the same weeks I do so we share ideas.

I'm hating school. My classes are pointless and I feel like I'm getting stupider as the days go because I'm not learning much that relates to nursing. Learning about leadership won't help me remember that the therapeutic level of digoxin in the body is 0.5-2.0ng/dl. (I missed that on a test today...)

All in all I've been really really happy lately. Since I came back from Christmas break I can only remember having 3 days where I wasn't happy. Only 3. Record? Probably. I'm just grateful for the people in my life, for where I'm at, and for where I'm going.

Plus it's hard not to be happy when its Spring break! Whoo!!

2010

I’ve been thinking a lot about making a blog to remember 2010 and kick it to the curb because it felt like it sucked. But then I’ve been thinking about it more and more and I had a pretty awesome year. I didn't end up where I thought I would, but the journey was incredible.

Here’s what I did:

I started the hardest semester of nursing school. Got so stressed out I could have puked. And was dumped. All at the same time. So……. Not good times.

But as a result of all of that happening, I made some of the BEST friends in the world. Annalie came through like an angel, and I ended up LIVING at her and corey’s houses. I was NEVER home. And I loved it that way. They saved me.

Dan came home. That was pretty big for me. I missed him terribly. It was awesome having him text me every day because he was so bored for the first 4 months he was home. Ha.

I was in Jeni’s wedding as her maid of honor. Although I sucked at the job, I was honored to be apart of it. She’s beautiful.

Clinicals were crazy intimidating, but I loved it. Studying was hard, but I did it. I made the dean’s list. Pretty miraculous.

I moved home for the summer after praying about it. God said I should. I dragged my feet but did it anyway and thus had the BEST summer of my life. I’m SO grateful he guides me.

I worked at the pool as a swim teacher and lifeguard. And this year I loved teaching more than guarding. And I might want to work with children because of it.

I became friends with new people at work, and became better friends with awesome people I already knew. Like Ashley. And Kelsey.

I spend almost everyday with Dan. And Sarah. And then introduced them and we all became inseparable. I love them. We took fun trips together to Manti, Cedar, went to the temple, seven peaks. Sarah dyed my hair. Listened to my annoying life problems. I listened to hers. Had sleep overs. We played nerts at Dan’s house until 2 am with his sisters. And watched movies. Dan took me to the movies, compliments of the government all the time. Ha. People asked if we were going to get married twice a week. And I told Dan I would never marry him. He’s STILL offended.

My nephew Camden was born! He’s ADORABLE. And an instant love of my life.

Ryan left on his mission to Guatemala. I’m updating his blog every week.

I moved to Cedar again. This time to live with the BEST roommates this world has to offer. I love every moment of them. Staying up late laughing for no reason, watching Buffy or Bones, making dinners together, sewing dresses. Brittni is my new love. And we have a bunny son together. I love that bunny. He’s so fuzzy.

I started the “easiest” semester of nursing school. It turned out to be one of the busiest. I had a power point to do almost every week, sometimes twice a week. I ended up doing 100+ hours of community service. Wrote a bunch of annoying papers, had a bunch of annoying projects. Hated my teacher with a vengeance. Almost liked my clinicals. Wasn’t home a lot.

But I made new friends. And became better friends with awesome people I already knew. Like Cyann. And her cute little daughter Lily.

I went to the temple every week in November.

I ended up getting a 3.8! Highest GPA I’ve ever gotten in college. Made everything ALMOST worth it.

I had a good Thanksgiving/Christmas break. Went on the funnest date ever to see “Savior of the World.” Met and named Gryan, Sarah’s awesome boy. I got to see a lot of mission friends. Hugged my daughter again! Saw Kat. Played with Dan. Met his cute little girly friend. Played with my family. Babysat my nephew.

Those were the events.

Now the way I feel about it all.

I’m a different person than what I was last January. I like me better now.
I’m so happy that I can say that. I’m so happy that life has led me where it has.
I’ve got a lot of great things going for me. And I’m excited about the future.
Sometimes I feel that life sucks. But then I remember it doesn’t.
I liked 2010. But that’s over.

I’m ready to love 2011.