Day 26

Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Well... To me "giving up on life" and wanting to commit suicide are different things in my mind. Just to clarify.

I think once in high school I thought about how sucky and lonely life was and the thought popped into my head that perphaps I should just die. Then I immediately thought it was crazy. I don't know how'd I even do it. Then I think about that commandment "thou shalt not kill" and I just laughed it off.

As for giving up on life, I have felt that quite a lot. To me that's when I want to just stop doing anything, stop working towards goals, stop dreaming, stop caring. I thought a lot about where I'm at in life just two days ago. And how I have different opinions of what it means to have a meaningful life compared to that of my friends.

I'm happy with my life. Mostly because when I pray I am constantly reassured that right now my life is where it needs to be and I'm doing everything I can to better it.

But other people have different opinions of what should make me happy. And I guess I'm tired of getting the pity looks from people and not being cared about. I'm sad that people ask me if I'm dating anyone and after I say no they stop asking about my life, as if any other events aren't able to bring me happiness.

Sometimes when I dwell on those opinions and compare lives with other people I feel like the view I have of my life is wrong and I just want to give up. But luckily I don't. And I didn't this week.

I still have many things in my life that bring me happiness. They just aren't husband or kid or boyfriend things. They're friend things and birthday party things and finding new people to flirt with things and getting a 3.7 GPA thing. And I understand that people dont really ask me those things. I wish they would.

Anyway, that was random and sort of off subject. But I wrote a 3 pages in my journal thing about it last night so this was all on my mind.

Enjoy.